Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why it does not eat with me? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 05:20:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In news.groups, "bobnik" (bobnik@freemail.it) wrote: > > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Didn't "Deep Throat" used to post with "Content-Transfer-Encoding: not-for-attribution"? > > > =20 > Why it does not eat with me? > =20 > Just does not interest You an easy and comfortable job with Internet?=20 > For information you write to me.=20 > =20 > bobnik@freemail.it > =20 > Ciao Bob TRY KIBOLOGY! THE ONLY RELIGION THAT WILL EAT WITH YOU! Whoops, I made a typo. Please change "with" to "against" and then delete it. > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > > > >

face=3DArial> size=3D3>Why it does not eat with me?

size=3D3> size=3D3>

Just does not interest You an easy = > and=20 > comfortable job with Internet?

For information you write to me.=20 >

href=3D"mailto:bobnik@freemail.it">bobnik@freemail.it

Ciao=20 > Bob

> > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0-- > > > -- > Posted from mta03-acc.tin.it [212.216.176.34] > via Mailgate.ORG Server - http://www.mailgate.org Ooh, and we got our choice of reading it in Helvetica OR Arial, the two most beautiful typefaces ever. <-- SARCASM IN SANS-SERIF CAPITALS -- K. (That's 2520 in Roman numerals!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Sillier Side of Sears Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 05:57:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Masto (chris+usenet@netmonger.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The large-type sales pitch on the box said: > > > > EURO-STYLE ROUND DOOR > > I am reminded of a product I see every time I go to the supermarket, > though I keep forgetting to bring a camera in order to take a picture > that I may share its wackiness. > > The box says: > > +---------------------------+ > | /--------\ | > || European | New York | > || Style | | > | \--------/ | > | | > | * TEXAS TOAST | > | | > +---------------------------+ > > Except it's not done in bad ASCII art. > > It's funny even if it did make sense to buy frozen toast. Yes, and even if I already took a picture of it a while ago and haven't put it up yet (the wacky food section of my Web site is nearing the big update, in between work on my CGIs -- today my biggest CGI hit 3000 lines! Yay! Of course, 3000 lines of computer code is no big deal if you're programing in some wimpy language like C++ or assembly, but I'm using Perl, so you know that any ordinary program can fit in one line of Perl, therefore my program must be 3000 times cooler. But I think I'm starting to digress. Back to the New York Brand European Style Texas Garlic Toast which I've already called dibs on:) /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Catch Phrase Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 08:22:03 GMT "Jaffo" (jaffo@connect.net) wrote: > > "HE TORE INTO EVERY PEICE OF SOFT TISSUE I HAVE!" > > Jaffo Well, now that you bring up the subject of toilet paper related catchphrases... I dunno, I'm kinda partial to the one I've been working with all day today. I've been walking around in my Be, Inc. T-shirt and a "Hi, My Name Is Jean-Louis Gassee" nametag shouting "WE DON'T SHIT ON OUR DEVELOPERS!" but so far nobody believes I'm Jean-Louis Gassee. But maybe that's just because I haven't left my bedroom all day. Also, let's not forget Ridley Scott's favorite, "YES, GUV'NOR, MY ASS!" And what about "TUBBY TUSTARD! TUBBY TUSTARD! TUBBY TUSTARD!" ? Today I ate a box of European Style New York Brand Texas Garlic Toast, which was made in Columbus, Ohio. I had to eat it before Apple Inc. could shit on it. But here, let me hijack the thread before I ruin it. It has come to my attention lately that I can turn anything into bathroom humor. ("I'LL TURN ANY TYPO INTO TOILET HUMOR!" -- Kibo, Jan. 12, 1997) For instane: Peeps --> poops Popeye --> has nephew named Poopeye thirty-two --> turdy-poo Orbitz --> Orbitzlestra L. Ron Hubbard --> P-meter I mean, it only takes a quarter of a second to do the obvious ones, like Paula Poundstone, synergy, or a jungle gym. It still takes under one second to do the hardest ones I've found, such as Frank Welker's eyeglasses and a pound of neutrinos. So please suggest topics for discussion that cannot possibly be made into pee-pee or poo-poo references, and then I will use those to elevate the level of discussion. -- K. P.S. Peeps! Peeps! Peeps! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// [this next thread meanders a while around the bathroom before stumbling back onto the subject of Texas-flavored Toast Food:] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:16:28 GMT Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Also Cat #1 is using the kitty bed we got for Cat #2, actually the New > Number Two because the other Number Two died of a pre-existing > condition. Fortunately this one has not died yet but does like to > fling cat litter great distances while apparently trying to tunnel to > the center of the earth before peeing. > Of course we find this "endearing" because of the evil Cute Rays that > this particular cat emits, even though it is looks nothing like the > orange tabbies used in all cat food commercials in the post-Morris era, I've noticed there are no black cats in commercials, even on BET. Also they'd all have to be dubbed with James Earl Jones saying "MEOW." because he's the only black actor allowed to do commercials. For those of you in other countries, American TV commercials are like this: VOICEOVER: Introducing new Splurge lemon-line drink! Here are some people cooler than you! They drink it! (Cut to a rap group, composed of three white people with a black guy behind them. They hold up their hands and make "peace" signs.) WHITE GUY #1: It's so RAD! WHITE GUY #2: It speaks to MY generation! WHITE GUY #3: AWESOME! BLACK GUY (James Earl Jones): KICK IT! VOICEOVER: Splurge! Kick it in the Splurge and get free Splurgewear! > but is the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Of course, > there are limits to the effects of Cute Rays, which in Sam's case all seem > to have to do with damage to furniture. Anyway she is still > hundreds of miles from here, so it is cat party time. You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) or you could have said "Cat Panty Time" and tied "Panty Cat" to the famous "Cat Soup" sketch on "Hee Haw", but nooooooooo, you had to MAKE SENSE. Anyway, I think you should feed the cat nothing but soap suds, like that Chinese grocery store on Essex Street that doesn't give the cat a water dish but keeps mopping the floor. Though it would be better if you exchanged the cat for a wild gorilla or elephant or Frankenstein monster or Dracula before feeding it the soap, so that it could run around the wild party scene at the end of your sixties Peter Sellers comedy spewing soap bubbles all over because bedlam is always funny if Peter Sellers is stoned. -- K. And then he died because James Randi performed psychic surgery on him. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 03:53:55 GMT djcrowe@my-dejanews.com, one of those Deja News people with no real name, wrote: > > All at once, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together > > "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) > > Great. Now I can't get the song "She is a Sooper-dooper Pooper" > out of my head. You have a pooper in your head? Hmm. Maybe Archimpedes Plutonium should revise his patent for his full-body plaster straightjacket. > I personally know all the words to the songs on this video. Ha! I *ONLY* know all the words to the songs on this video. "Hold on there, sport, what's the RUSH? Sounds like you forgot to FLUSH!" > For a two month period of time it was my youngster's favorite. > Due to my mutated old-timey gene (on chromosome 57), I was too stoopid > and lazy to get up and turn the damn TV off while the tape ran continuously. Wait, you were watching it on a tape? Mr. Penders didn't just come over? Damn! I hate it when I get special treatment from people like Mr. Penders, bathroom gnome! > I recently read that the US guv-ment was friendly to some of Hitler's > "scientists" after the II war. "It's Potty Time" was one of the first > projects they worked on. Unfortunately for them, the delivery mechanism > (VHS) was not readily available until the '80s. > > Now everyone sing: > > "Wipe, wipe, wipe yourself > always front to back > merily, merily, merily, merily > now you've got the knack. > > I'M SERIOUS!!! I KNOW ALL THE WORDS!!!! KEEP BACK!!!! > I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM!!!! Okay, if you're the world's greatest expert on "It's Potty Time"(R), please explain these problems I have understanding it: (1) Why is Mr. Penders the same guy as that really scary clown who wears a bandana on his head instead of a NORMAL rainbow wig? (2) When the kid whose birthday it is has to go potty, why does everyone else at the party freeze for about ten minutes? (3) Why are all the kids wearing the same underwear? (4) Why does the kid lather with soap for about twenty minutes, including lathering his elbows, and then he rinses for a tenth of a second? (5) What's with that one girl in the "Moon Bounce" thing with a simian supraorbital cranial ridge and the one giant eyebrow, like Chaka on "Land of the Lost"? (6) Could the daddy of the super-duper pooper actually be Urkel? (7) How come nobody ever gave me a Super-Dooper Pooper award? What am I doing wrong? > - DAve C. > > > -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- > http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum You know, someday DejaNews (aka Deja News, depending on which of their Web pages you read) is going to decide to give all their users a twelve-line .sig with an ASCII picture of the USS Enterprise battling NBC's seaQuest DSV, causing the same sort of chaos that would have happened if Heywood Floyd had told the little girl on the visiphone, "Oh, by the way, we found a big space alien halvah bar on the Moon, but you can only tell your ten best friends." And then the rest of "2001" was about the little girl with bulging forehead and giant eyebrow evolving into a Super-Duper Pooper. -- K. I'm never the one who turns the topic of discussion to the toilet. I am, however, the only one who can flush the discussion. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 6 Aug 1998 04:16:55 GMT David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > Okay, if you're the world's greatest expert on "It's Potty Time"(R), > > please explain these problems I have understanding it: > > Triple Secret Friggin Ha! Made you research the stupid thing all afternoon!!! Quad Ripple Ha! I watched it all NIGHT! > > (1) Why is Mr. Penders the same guy as that really scary clown who > > wears a bandana on his head instead of a NORMAL rainbow wig? > > Clowns are not only scary, but evil as well. Especially the clown that > roamed around my hometown many years ago. Name was "Pockets the Clown." > Had all of these pockets sewn on his clownsuit. Kids were supposed to > "reach into" the "pockets" and pull out a "prize". Good thing his name wasn't "Mr. Cuisinart". THANK YOU! THANK YOU! > Anyway, clowns are evil and affect your brane-wave patterns into thinkin' > things. Things like making themselves look just like Mr. Pincers. I like the idea of Mr. Pinders following little kids into the bathroom and shouting "HEY! YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH! THAT MEANS I GET TO PINCH YOU WHERE YOUR BATHING SUIT COVERS!" Those "...if anyone touches you where your bathing suit covers" public-service ads are all part of Allen Funt's campaign to get kids to think they will be safe from pedophiles if they take off their bathing suits. And then he'll pinch them with his giant claws. > > (2) When the kid whose birthday it is has to go potty, why > > does everyone else at the party freeze for about ten minutes? > > Gort knows why. But he ain't talkin'. GORT, KLAATU BARADA NIKTO DUPER POOPER! > > (3) Why are all the kids wearing the same underwear? > > Hmmm. I always assumed they were wearing the same BRAND of underwear. > Now that you mention it, they're wearing the same PAIR of underwear. You > got me on that one. It's not even a pair. They're all wearing the same underPANT. -- K. WHY DO UNDERPANTS COME IN PACKS OF SIX BUT GIANT PINCERS COME IN PACKS OF EIGHT? /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 08:54:50 GMT Roger Douglas (rdouglas@magna.com.au) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) said: > > > > I guess we weren't really talking about the Weather Channel, though > > were we? I was just trying to illustrate that most pop-culture > > references go right over my head, and I've learned to live with that > > so well that it really upsets my sense of Order of the Universe when I > > have a glimmer of a clue of what it is you folks are discussing. So > > cut it out, OK? > > Right! So now you have an inkling what it feels like to be an Englishman > reading ARK in Austria! > > The constant sense of complete alienation, like that guy in > "Return From the Stars". Hey! Stanislaw Lem is *not* from Australia! So you can't possibly understand his works even if you've seen all those "Omni" covers he painted with bald women with metal lips sucking on tubes of oil paint! The first time I typed that it came out "oil pant" but oil pants would be annoying because it would be hard to get them dirty playing in the mud. > The strange feeling of deja vu when you catch an episode of some rerun US > sitcom on TV and suddenly half-understand something someone posted three > years ago. > > The sense of absolute weirdness when Kibo mentions Barry Humphries. FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS IN PARTS OF THE WORLD WHERE YOU DON'T WATCH STUPID TV SHOWS FROM ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO: Barry Humphries was a mega-star in Australia for about six months as "Dame Edna". He hosted a couple of "specials" (or the opposite thereof) in the United States and was then quickly consigned to the counter-clockwise flush of the toilet of history, because here in the Northern Hemisphere history always swirls counter-clockwise whereas in Australia is swirls ANTI-clockwise. > The total mind-blowing dislocation of reality when you find Ben and Jerry's > ice cream on a ferry between Belfast and Stranraer. Or when you find Emac's & Bolio's ice cream installed on your hard drive. > I had the New York Chocolate Fudge Nut Special, or whatever the hell it's > called. Not European Style New York Brand Texas Garlic Toast from Ohio? > Did you know Barry Humphries is really a WOMAN? It's true. He is just a > character played by Dame Edna Everage! And if you slept with him you'd be below PUN FAILED AT 0000:00F3 -- NON-MASKABLE INTERRUPT, SYSTEM HALTED Anyway, Roger, or as I pronounce it, Rod-Ger, or as I'd pronounce that, Rodg-Dger, the reason I'm making this post is to cheer you up. CHEER UP, ROGDER. Okay, I lied. The only reason I'm making this worthless post is so that in twenty years you'll see it in some old archive with tannin-stained pages and dog-eared corners on all the icons, and every single proper noun in it will be incomprehensible unless you've wasted your entire life filling your NON-VOLATILE brain cells with stuff about Stanislaw Lem dressing up in a pink wig and mincing around pretending to be a talented celebrity and/or woman instead of relegating it to your FLUSHABLE brain cells so that useful information, like the fact that "2" is always green and "3" is always red, can go in the good part of your brain. -- K. "2" IS ALWAYS GREEN. If you don't believe me, you're colorblind. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 09:51:13 GMT I just wrote: > > Okay, I lied. The only reason I'm making this worthless post is so that > in twenty years you'll see it in some old archive with tannin-stained > pages and dog-eared corners on all the icons, and every single proper > noun in it will be incomprehensible unless you've wasted your entire life > [...] Okay, I lied again. I'm going to explain the stuff I mentioned earlier in this discussion about Muppet Crotch Recovery just so that when you see the above post in twenty years you'll realize you didn't need to spend twenty years keeping garbage out of your brain and could have stuffed your head with "seaQuest" until it popped. Your head, not the "seaQuest". But that would be good too. > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:16:28 GMT > X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8316 centons, 67 microns, .01 abians Those are things called headers. Headers were a way of communicating metadata back in the 20th century. Metadata was what came after data but before nondata, the official language of all 21st-century game shows. "Alex, I'll take Yak Blarging for purple spiral dollars." "The answer is: This inside-out walnut-flavored zeppelin defenestrated a poppy-seed larblax glarpnod." "What is Muppet Crotch?" "You bleez!" (The contestant begins jumping up and down and squealing or crying, depending on whether bleezing is better that losing or worse than winning that day. On days when bleezing is worse than losing, the contestant is put in a soundproof isolation chamber with a nuclear bomb.) > Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also Cat #1 is using the kitty bed we got for Cat #2, actually the New > > Number Two because the other Number Two died of a pre-existing > > condition. Fortunately this one has not died yet but does like to > > fling cat litter great distances while apparently trying to tunnel to > > the center of the earth before peeing. > > > Of course we find this "endearing" because of the evil Cute Rays that > > this particular cat emits, even though it is looks nothing like the > > orange tabbies used in all cat food commercials in the post-Morris era, Matt was some guy who lived back in the 20th century. He's dead now. However, in an ironic twist, the original Cat Number Two is no longer dead. > I've noticed there are no black cats in commercials, even on BET. BET was a TV channel with fewer honkies on it than The WB. Honkies were clowns who went around honking their little pink noses. The WB was a TV channel of sorts. Eventually it was reduced to half a channel, with an aquarium shown in the bottom half of the screen. Every day the water level went up a little until everyone drowned. > Also they'd all have to be dubbed with James Earl Jones saying "MEOW." > because he's the only black actor allowed to do commercials. James Earl Jones was the only African-American actor that honkies liked, because he scared them, but they were scared of all black people, but they knew James Earl Jones was really only pretending to scare them so he's okay, not like that creepy Bill Cosby guy! Mr. Jones, a recipient of twelve Oscars (all for "Star Wars XIII: Darth's Back"), died in office and his duties were assumed by Vice-President Jerry Springer. > For those of you in other countries, American TV commercials are like this: Commercials were what they had before those darts with the synthetic memory cells on the tip that the robots roaming the street would throw into your brain. This was because in the 20th century it was considered impolite to leave your brain exposed on top. > VOICEOVER: Introducing new Splurge lemon-line drink! Here are some > people cooler than you! They drink it! > > (Cut to a rap group, composed of three white people with a black guy > behind them. They hold up their hands and make "peace" signs.) Rap was the form of music after disco and before farta. > WHITE GUY #1: It's so RAD! > > WHITE GUY #2: It speaks to MY generation! > > WHITE GUY #3: AWESOME! > > BLACK GUY (James Earl Jones): KICK IT! This was much like our modern expression, "Twenty-Four Skiddoo!" > VOICEOVER: Splurge! Kick it in the Splurge and get free Splurgewear! > > > but is the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Of course, > > there are limits to the effects of Cute Rays, which in Sam's case all seem > > to have to do with damage to furniture. Anyway she is still > > hundreds of miles from here, so it is cat party time. The 'color of television tuned to a dead channel" is a reference to one of those old-tymey writers like D. H. Lawrence or Bret Easton Ellis, you know, those square clods whose works are utterly irrelevant in our modern society. > You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together > "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) > or you could have said "Cat Panty Time" and tied "Panty Cat" to the > famous "Cat Soup" sketch on "Hee Haw", but nooooooooo, you had to MAKE SENSE. Well, here's the straight dope extracted from the gold-plated slices of Kibo's brain in the Smithsonian Insta-Tuna. "It's Potty Time" was a video (those were like radio, only they could be recorded) in which a Duke University grad student dressed up as "Mr. Penders", got really small, and followed little kids into the bathroom while singing about the fun of ALWAYS flushing. "Potty's Album" was some book a friend's roommate had, containing photos of a kitten. (He was from Korea, where apparently literary standards are even lower than they were in the United States, which was the name of the country before it changed its named to States Plus. Photos were like livos only you couldn't kill them by slamming the book really hard.) "Panty Cat" was some bizarre video game from Japan. Japan was a country that was destroyed when they lost control of a video game -- video games were a popular form of entertainment which combined realistic depictions of extreme violence with a complete lack of physics, logic, or desaturated colors. > Anyway, I think you should feed the cat nothing but soap suds, like > that Chinese grocery store on Essex Street that doesn't give the cat > a water dish but keeps mopping the floor. Cheng Kwong was a store which once sold Kibo a pair of frozen frogs that were stuck together. This was before Kibo discovered much bigger, and less odiferous, Chinese supermarkets to the south, such as The 88 Super Market and Ming's, which had an Aisle Of Jerks. Jerks were people like President Springer. > Though it would be better if you exchanged the cat for a wild gorilla > or elephant or Frankenstein monster or Dracula before feeding it the soap, > so that it could run around the wild party scene at the end of your > sixties Peter Sellers comedy spewing soap bubbles all over because > bedlam is always funny if Peter Sellers is stoned. This was a reference to Peter Sellers's film "The Party" (elephant) and Peter Sellers's "The Magic Christian" (Dracula) and Peter Sellers's film "Casino Royale" (Frankenstein) and a pastiche of sixties comedy films that Saturday Night Live once did (the gorilla). These films always ended with five dozen people in one swank hotel room running around in circles while soap suds sprayed all over them, much like at the 2040 Presidential Assassination Games. > > -- K. > > And then he died because > James Randi performed > psychic surgery on him. James "The Amazing" Randi used to appear on Johnny Carson's show while performing psychic surgery (sticking his hands into other people's business and pulling out their liver and showing it to them) to demonstrate how real psychic surgery was. Peter Sellers died because he went to some Caribbean island for cheap fake psychic surgery instead of going to Randi. Mr. Randi lived to be 150, although for the last thirty years of his live he was only kept alive as a disembodied foot. P.S. "Muppet Crotch" was the disease that wiped out everyone who didn't cry when the Year 2000 Problem destroyed their TV sets. The cure was found to involve leaving your brain exposed to the air at the top, and re-electing Jerry Springer. -- K. I'M LOOKING DOWN ON YOU FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE AND BOY DO YOU PEOPLE SMELL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: For the Love of Three Pennies Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 06:28:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I wonder how long it would take for pennies to really go away once > they stopped making them. Oh, the government could get rid of all the pennies really fast, and they wouldn't even have to use that secret bomb that only destroys copper. Have you noticed that homeless people do a great job picking up all the beer bottles and cans in the United States for that wonderful 5c deposit (10c in Michigan)? Well, the government's secret plan is to give a nickel to anyone who turns in a penny. -- K. I like how there's no reward for bottle caps, so every vacant lot is covered with just the caps. But you never see any pull tabs with them, because the homeless people save them for Craig Shergold. P.S. Did you know that if I dropped a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, my entire first-grade class would have to do the same? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: !lurk Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 06:36:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > benzilla@hotmail.com wrote: > > > > are any of y'all a fan of ee cummings? > > Yes, he was the poet who wrote everything in whispers. I wacky-parsed that as "who wrote everything in diapers". > > I just discovered ARK, and have lurked, hoping to unleash the inner > > kibologist, whining petulantly for a chance to post. > > You will understand Kibology a lot better when you realize that *you* > are merely the inner child inside a completely different Kibologist. My inner child has a creamy center made with 10% real beef juice. > You will also comprehend more once you are able to explain the quote > provided to me by Kibological Grand Master M. Otis Beard: > > "The Spanish had little interest in pagan gods or gender-bending > vegetables." > > -dp. > How does one bend the > gender of a vegetable? You've never grown zucchini. You can tell the male flowers from the female flowers a mile away. Oh, sure, they're all big and orange, but only the female ones have zucchini growing below them. This is because only girls could ever like zucchini. Today I was flipping channels and came across some freaky computer-animated talking vegetables (their ringleader was a zucchini, or possibly a cucumber) re-enacting the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego not burning up in the furnace because there was a guy who was "all shiny" in the furnace with them. This is the first time I have seen this miracle re-enacted by talking vegetables that didn't sing the Andrew Lloyd Weber songs. It was truly scary. Apparently this is an actual TV series of talking, computer-animated veggies that meet Jesus every week. -- K. It's just like if, as a favor to Kermit Love, Jim Henson made some puppets for "Gerbert". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In Germany, We Have Ways Of Making You Laugh Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 07:29:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Uncle Ben (benr@netcom.com) wrote: > > From www.telegraph.co.uk > (c) Copyright of Telegraph Group Limited 1999. > Electronic Telegraph -- the pioneering online newspaper > Issue Number 1549 > Sunday 22 August 1999 > > IN GERMANY, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU LAUGH > By Louise Potterton in Wiesbaden Ooh. Someone should tell her she shouldn't make jokes about Germans being Nazis. They don't like to be stereotyped. It makes them very, very, very, very mad. > WIESBADEN, Germany -- Germans are being persuaded to acquire a > sense of humour with the establishment of a nationwide network > of "laughter clubs". I assume it's like a sports bar only they gather around a television to watch hilarious American television, like "Murphy Brown" and that show with Urkel. > In an effort to rid the nation of its dour, humourless image, they > are being encouraged to meet once a week to practise laughter > exercises and tell jokes. The objective is to train them to erupt > into a hearty laugh at the merest whiff of a jest. SOMETHING SMELLS FUNNY! I BETTER LAUGH EVEN THOUGH IT'S PROBABLY RANCID! > Research conducted at Berkeley University, California, has shown > that Germans laugh only for an average of six minutes a day; > Britons laugh for 15 minutes, while the French, well-known for > their joie de vivre, laugh for a hearty 18 minutes. And the guy who travelled from country to country with a stopwatch and clipboard hasn't laughed in twenty years. > Michael Berger, the founder of the laughter clubs, said: "Germans > have no sense of humour. The German is a very serious person, > and he likes to moan a lot." Well, then, it's a good thing that there is only one of him. > When Mr Berger set up the first club he pointed to scientific studies > done by the European laughter league leaders, the Italians, who spend > 19 minutes a day enjoying a good laugh. It sounds like this: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." > He said: "Germans don't laugh enough because they simply don't > have enough time. Oh, ja, they love the jokes, they just choose not to laugh to save time. ALSO THIS GUY BETTER STOP STEROTYPING GERMANS RIGHT NOW! STEREOTYPING PEOPLE ISN'T FUNNY! EVEN IF IT TRICKS THEM INTO PAYING YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM TRY TO LAUGH! > They always think that 'time is money' and everything has become so fast. > Because of this Germans have lost the art of laughter." He also said that > in the Fifties they laughed three times more than they do today. Yes, but Dyan Cannon hardly uses her cork-lined Primal Scream Therapy room any more. In fact, Primal Screams are down a whopping 100% since the late seventies. So I'm going to open a new "Screen Your Ass Off" club. The sound that provokes people to scream for their lives will be a recording of Germans trying to laugh. > Since the first club opened last December in Wiesbaden the > laughter sessions have become more and more popular. There are > now 22 clubs and 350 members learning how to chortle, chuckle and > split their sides. The Wiesbaden club, which meets in a disused church, DEAR MONTY PYTHON, PLEASE STOP STEALING WACKY SKETCH IDEAS ABOUT SILLY CHRUCHES FROM THE GERMANS. THIS IS WHY YOU WERE NEVER ON GERMAN TELEVISION YOUR FRIEND, BRIGADIER NOT A GERMAN. (RET.) > has 35 members, ranging in age from 10 to 80. > > Mr Berger said the clubs' laughter techniques are not based on the > traditional methods of using aides such as silly noses and corny > joke routines. I agree, jokes aren't funny. I mean, look at Jay Leno. > Instead, members spend 20 minutes following 11 step-by-step > well ordered regulations. IT'S RIGIDLY SCRIPTED ANARCHY! I bet Germans like "Kids Say The Darndest Things" too. The only show on TV that's more rigged than "Kids Say The Darndest Things" would have to be "Columbo". (True story: While waiting for the subway recently, this toddler was jumping up and down on the bench next to me, singing "I LIKE COLUMBO! I LIKE COLUMBO!" endlessly. I fail to understand why any toddler would like Columbo.) > At the beginning of the sessions the participants form a circle, clap > their hands and chant "Ho-ho-ha-ha-ha" as loudly as they can. Aren't they supposed to lie on their backs in a big circle, where everyone has their head on the next person's stomach, and chant "HUH! HUH! HUH!" until they all start to giggle? No, wait, that was Morris Kaufman's acting class in college. There was nothing funny about that. Even though I got to be the psycho boy in "Equus". > Later, laughter students are taught to pounce on each other like lions. Then they are taught to speak with silly Fake German accents just like Benny Hill did in 90% of his sketches. > Mr Berger, who always wears a bell on his shoe (just for laughs), OH, LOOK, THE MAN'S FOOT IS MAKING ANNOYING NOISES 24 HOURS A DAY WHEN HE WALKS! IT'S FUNNY! In the United States, if you wore a bell on your shoe, you would be murdered within minutes. The only thing worse would be if you had a harmonica. We just don't cotton to that kind of funny stuff here. > explained: "At first the laughter is of course restrained, but > when the participants allow the laughter to take over they become > more and more relaxed. We need to know how to take full advantage > of this free and easy facility to laugh. Everyone has a sense of > humour when they are born. One of the first things a baby does is > smile at its mother. But this has been lost and we need to learn > it again." > > Manfred Leitner, 55, a member of the Regensburg club, said he > enjoyed the "lion laugh" in particular, which he demonstrated by > opening his mouth wide, sticking his tongue out and raising his > hands to imitate a lion's paws - followed shortly afterwards by > a hearty laugh. I'm starting to think that I should put "The Special Show" on the air in Germany. Hmm, I could open it with Pope Emperor FrogMaN dragging a lady into a lake. > He said: "I think the lion laugh looks so funny that I have to > laugh so much and can no longer speak. Of course, it is strange > to meet complete strangers in order to laugh with them." > > Mr Leitner has scientific evidence on his side when he claims that > laughter is good for you. Michael Titze, a psychologist, said: "Finally I can laugh at the utter hilarity of my own name, which is suggestive of the chestal regions of the female people." Then he started dancing to Kraftwerk while wearing a black leotard. > "Laughing strengthens the immune defence system and the heart, and > it improves the breathing. Laughter peps you up, so even > depressed people feel better." > > And it is often said that laughter is infectious. At the first > meeting of the club in Preunschen bei Amorbach firemen meeting > nearby came along, looked in at the windows, and joined in with the > gales of laughter. "We had a whale of a time," said one member. Okay, so you have these German firemen in their rubber coats and gas masks, and a couple of gummikrankenshwesterin, and Pope FrogMaN carries them all into a lake, while singing about being a lumberjack, and then this German guy imitates a lion, which gives Terry Gilliam a heart attack, making the shiny back house burst into flames, killing Mike Myers, but he keeps coming back from the dead because they keep forgetting to take away his hockey mask before they bury him, and then a giant foot from a Bronzino painting comes down and crushes them and a giant hammer crushes the giant foot and then a giant cutout of God's hand crushes the giant hammer, and then these lame-o's called "The State" rip off all their sketches on MTV, before they're replaced by Tom Green, who should be sent to Germany. -- K. Or Singapore. Let's get him to perform on a public street in Singapore. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 10:30:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > Biographer: Sagan Smoked Marijuana > > > > By SCOTT ANDREWS Associated Press Writer > > > > SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - The late astronomer and author Carl Sagan was a > > secret but avid marijuana smoker, crediting it with inspiring essays and > > scientific insight, according to Sagan's biographer. > > So... that footnote in _The Dragons of Eden_, about how cool it was that > some tribe mentioned in anthropology textbooks smoked pot all the time just > like anybody who had any sense whatsoever, was supposed to be secret? Well, the paragraph in _The Demon-Haunted World_ about the evils of government's War On Drugs isn't in the index. I looked up "drugs" and "war on" and "pot" and "cannabis" and "marijuana" and "illegal" and "legalize" but couldn't find it. I know it's in there, 'cause I just read the book last week, but it's definitely hidden in some secret part of it that I can't find while flipping through. (It's something about how the government's claims that pot causes bodily harm are pseudoscience.) The only bit on pot I could find flipping through it right now is on the first page of Chapter 25 ("Real Patriots Ask Questions"): [on discussing how we can't predict what social programs will benefit society without trying them] ... Exchanging needles, making condoms freely available, or decriminalizing marijuana are all experiments. Basically, that paragraph hints that we should try making pot legal to see what happens. Here's another one, from the chapter "Science and Witchcraft": Yes, there are Constitutional prohibitions against unreasonable search and seizure, but we have a war on drugs and violent crime is racing out of control. Ah! Found the smoking gun (page 344, the chapter "House on Fire":) Science has discredited itself. It works for politicians. It makes weapons, it lies about marijuana "hazards", it ignores about the dangers of agent orange, etc. ...but that's not Sagan writing (with the malformed grammar and missing capitals) because he's quoting a letter he received. Ah, well, so much for my remembering he said bad things about the War on Drugs. It turns out that in the whole book he only wrote two of the three pro-marijuana passages. It's still interesting that "marijuana" isn't in the index, especially given that the book has a few chapters devoted to the subject of hallucinations and altered states of consciousness. "tobacco industry" _is_ in the index, linking to a couple of pages about how deadly cigarettes are. I think Dr. Sagan was one of those people who thought pot was less harmful than tobacco. Of course, an alterate conspiracy theo^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hplausible explanation for the pro-pot slant of his books is that perhaps they were all actually written by his wife, Ann Druyan -- who is one of the directors of NORMAL, the people who want to legalize pot. (She was also the inspiration for the Jodie Foster character in "Contact" as well as co-author of the screen treatment that became the novel, which was only credited to Sagan. She does occasionally get "with Ann Druyan" credit in tiny print in some of his books -- for instance, in _The Demon-Haunted World_ she's not mentioned on the cover but inside a tiny asterisk gives her credit for co-authoring several chapters -- and on other books, such as "Comet" and "Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors", she gets up-front co-author credit.) Dr. Sagan was one of the most important scientists in our time -- absolutely THE leading authority on Venus, Mars, etc. -- but it's understandable why people still make fun of him. After _Cosmos_ aired on PBS, his hyper-solemn delivery of sometimes leaden prose, his turtleneck sweater, and -- for reasons nobody understands -- the phrase "billions and billions" endeared him to comedians everywhere. (I found his repetition of "numinous" in _Contact_ more amusing.) Then came that bizarre incident where he attempted to sue a computer company over the internal code name of a computer they hadn't manufactured, with the trade papers reporting that said computer company had renamed the model "BHA" ("Butt-Head Astronomer".) And eventually the movie of _Contact_ came out, featuring Jodie Foster flying through a Time Tunnel in a space dodecahedron (bringing back memories of Sagan's discussion of the geometric perfection of the dodecahedron in _Cosmos_, especially the page with the big painting showing what life would be like if the Library of Alexandria never burned down -- people speaking Greek would be exploring distant stars right now in spaceships with dodecahedrons painted on the sides!) So, I do respect the late Dr. Sagan's life's work in his field of expertise, a field in which he was unquestionably the foremost thinker, but you gotta admit, the pot-head was also a butt-head. Basically, he would have been quietly revered by scientists (and not made fun of by millions of people who hadn't heard of him) if he hadn't made the mistake of trying to popularize science on tee-vee. (I suspect the "billions and billions" thing is one of those "Judy, Judy, Judy" or "Play it again, Sam" memes where all the hack comedians were imitating someone else's impression of Dr. Sagan, probably Steve Allen, who did a lame impression of Sagan a few times during PBS pledge drives in the early eighties.) And now that it turned out that he liked to smoke a joint or two or three, well, people are going to keep teasing the poor dead guy. Every time I feel guilty about mocking such a prominent scientist, I think of all the shots in the TV version of _Cosmos_ showing close-ups of him staring into the camera grinning maniacally at how incredibly cool the animated stars going past the window are, and the scene of him throwing all the chemical elements into the air in super-slow-motion, and of how funny the words "numinous", "dodecahedron", and "butt-head" are. -- K. In other words, this is the closest I can come to apologizing for killing him. P.S. Steve Allen is funny in the same way as Sagan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 11:01:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I already followed up to this, but I have new evidence...] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > So... that footnote in _The Dragons of Eden_, about how cool it was that > some tribe mentioned in anthropology textbooks smoked pot all the time just > like anybody who had any sense whatsoever, was supposed to be secret? I poked around the Web a little, restricting myself to Web pages that pre-dated the "outing" of Sagan's pot use a couple days ago (this wasn't hard, as most Web search sites are slow to update -- I used Altavista, which never finds anything less than three months old) and found a lot of interesting tidbits just by searching on "sagan and marijuana". Turns out Dr. Sagan, like his wife, was one of the directors of NORML, the marijuana-legalization lobbying organization. Apparently that was something nobody noticed. I would tend to assume that if he was heading an attempt to legalize wacky 'baccy that he may have smoked it at least once... ...but reporters never notice this stuff until someone reveals A BIG SECRET in a press release. Other bits from the Web that anyone could have spotted months ago: Here's Dr. Sagan quoted on a pro-pot Web site, the quote to which Matt was referring: > In defense of the Pygmies, perhaps I should note that a friend of mine who > has spent time with them says that for such activities as the patient > stalking and hunting of mammals and fish they prepare themselves through > marijuana intoxication, which helps to make the long waits, boring to > anyone further evolved than a Komodo dragon, at least moderately > tolerable. Ganja is, he says, their only cultivated crop. It would be > wryly interesting if in human history the cultivation of marijuana led > generally to the invention of agriculture, and thereby to civilization. > (The marijuana-intoxicated Pygmy, poised patiently for an hour with his > fishing spear aloft, is earnestly burlesqued by the beer-sodden riflemen, > protectively camouflaged in red plaid, who, stumbling through the nearby > woods, terrorize American suburbs each Thanksgiving.) > -- Carl Sagan, "The Dragons of Eden, Speculations on the Origin of > Human Intelligence," footnote on p. 191, 1978 paperback edition, > copyright 1977 Here's a bit from the Web site of the guy who "outed" Sagan -- Lester Grinspoon, author of "Cocaine: A Drug and Its Social Evolution", and fellow NORML board member: > It was August of 1975. Carl Sagan and his wife Linda were visiting me and > my wife Betsy at our rented cottage in Orleans on Cape Cod. We found a > telescope in a closet and set it up on the deck, which afforded an > unobstructed view of the salt marshes, the ocean, and the nearly full moon > rising above them. We shared a smoke and waited for night to come. Our > twin boys, age 9, had been visiting their cousins on the other side of the > cove, and by the time they returned the sky was almost fully dark. They > had never looked through a telescope before, and their excitement was > uncontainable as they saw the moon magnified for the first time. Carl > pointed out the terminator, the maria, and other features as Joshua and > Peter jostled for turns at the telescope with repeated expressions of > wonder. When Carl was asked why the face of the moon always remained the > same, he arranged the twins, Linda, Betsy and me in a shoulder-to-shoulder > rotating group to represent earth, while he circled it, representing the > moon. I thought that if the moon could have seen this strange dance, it > might have joined the giggling. After this demonstration, the boys > continued to take turns looking through the telescope and pointing out > features to each other until it was time for bed. It was in REALLY BIG LETTERS, too. So, the above Web page was sitting there months ago just waiting for reporters to notice it describes Sagan getting high and looking into the telescope and giggling at Uranus, but nobody noticed. The same way they never noticed that Pee-wee Herman's TV show had lots of sex jokes in it until his little incident. And here's what Dr. Sagan said on the jacket of a book about drugs: > Psychedelic Drugs Reconsidered (Drug Policy Classics Reprints Series Number 1) > by Lester Grinspoon, James B. Bakalar > > "An exceptionally well-balanced scientific discussion of every aspect of > psychedelic drugs.... It is a courageous book which simultaneously > succeeds for both the popular and scientific audiences."--Carl Sagan Okay, so he blurbed his friend's book on drugs. In actual print where anyone could have noticed. Even if they didn't notice, while reviewing the book someone could have read Lester Grinspoon's bio and found out that he was on the board of NORML, and looked to see who else was running NORML, and lo and behold, Sagan would have showed up. Events at NORML in 1994: > As for Stephen Dillon, he was a member of NORML's board of directors from > approximately November, 1991 until September 11, 1994. On August 4, 1994, > Dillon sent a letter to NORML's board of directors "urging them to support > Dan Viets' motion to dissolve the current Board, except for Richard Cowan, > and with the expressed understanding that there was in existence a > newlyconstituted Board including Dr. Lester Grinspoon, Dr. John Morgan, > Dr. Ethan Nadelmann and Carl Sagan." I really don't think it's a big deal that a dead guy liked to get high. I'm just intrigued by the way the news media are making such a big deal over something which they could have noticed years ago if it had actually been a big shocking secret. -- K. Next up: MSNBC covers up the secret that Bill Gates is a NERD! P.S. If anyone needs a private investigator, I'm available cheap. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 08:35:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Eric Boesch (EBO@dannet.dk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If anyone needs a private investigator > > Investigate me! Then I can go back to watching TV 24 hours a day > instead of trying to dig up something interesting about myself. Okay. Your need to send me a check for a million billion zillion dollars up front. Then I can dig up all the dirt on you, like whether or not you've been sending checks to sleazy people. > Also, are there any other newsgroups that are so secret that even > the group itself is a codename? "Kibology" obviously doesn't mean > anything. > > Since the agenda is hidden, nobody can say, "Please leave. What you > are saying has nothing to do with the subject of this newsgroup, > radar-invisible nuclear-tipped zeppelins." > > Well, they could. But they'd have to say it in code, so I wouldn't > understand THAT message either! Actually, you got the part about zeppelins right. But we have no need for primitive NUCLEAR zeppelins here in alt.religion.kibology. Our zeppelins are much more powerful because they're powered by antimatter. This not only makes them lighter than air, it makes them lighter than empty space! At this very moment I'm flying a zeppelin entirely filled with negative five hundred tons of the opposite of lead. Now I just have to find the exact opposite of the Empire State Building so I can moor it... -- K. I wish ALL buildings had zeppelin mooring points on top. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 02:42:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish ALL buildings had zeppelin mooring points on top. > > > If all buildings had zeppelin mooring points on top of > them, angry architects would get into small wars about > whether you measured the height of the building including > or excluding the zeppelin mooring point. Then Boston would have to have a third skyscraper so that the Hancock tower could be the tallest by the height of the roof but the Prudential would be tallest by the height of the antenna but the Hancock would be the tallest by the number of floors but the Prudential would be tallest by the highest-numbered floor but the Polychromatic Evil Zeppelin building would be the tallest because it had a zeppelin on top. Also, all zeppelins should have buildings on top. And so on. In fact, everything should have "and so on" on top. > We would have to design specially extensible zeppelin > mooring points so that when somebody built the worlds > tallest building, you could just extend your mooring > point so that you had the worlds tallest building again. > > After many rounds of extending these mooring points > we would have a cheap and reliable route to low earth > orbit by sending climbing monkeys up the zeppelin mooring > point with spacecraft strapped to their backs. But only if people wanted to ride in something as smelly as a rocket and as dangerous as a monkey. -- K. Know what would be fun? Little candy zeppelins you could bite. NEW "BITE & BANG" ZEPPELINS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yo! Word to Your Stockbroker! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 11:25:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > The following spam showed up in my mailbox a few minutes ago: > > > Subject: You have been identified as a Successful African American! > > I'm looking at my skin, and it's still white, so I'm afraid I'd have to > identify myself as an Unsuccessful African-American. This is like one of those "Twilight Zone" episode written after all the fun had been wrung out of Rod Serling's brain and he had started to turn into someone with all the subtlety of Jack Webb. GUY IN WHITE HOOD: You have been identified as a Successful African American! M. OTIS BEARD: There must be some mistake! GUY IN WHITE HOOD: I am a robot! I cannot be wrong! (CUE TOY PIANO PLAYING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" AT HALF SPEED) M. OTIS BEARD: You may be a robot, and a robot may be smarter than a man, but that does not make you even as much of a man as a wooden ventriloquist's dummy in the hands of Genghis Khan, a sick and twisted little man whose clotted little soul is a bottomless little pit of evil little thoughts that spread like a blemish across the face of goodness and-- GUY IN WHITE HOOD: That! Does not! Compute! (HE EXPLODES.) (SWISH-PAN TO ROD SERLING.) ROD SERLING: Another tale, filed under "M" for "Moral Lesson", in... "The Twilight Zone." (HE SHOVES A SCRIPT INTO A BULGING FILE CABINET LABELLED "M FOR MORAL LESSON", NEXT TO SEVERAL EMPTY FILING CABINETS WITH OTHER LETTERS.) > > The North American Registry of Who's Who Among Successful African Americans > > cordially invites you for inclusion in the upcoming 1998-99 edition of our > > publication. > > As long as you're willing to consider Ireland an African nation, I'm game. > It shouldn't be THAT hard for you. . . I mean, the British government has > been doing it for centuries. I think my free subscription to American Legacy, the magazine about my black heritage, eventually lapsed because I haven't seen it lately. I think it's my zip code that made me black. Because my zip code has A CITY in it! IN THE UNITED STATES, IT'S EASY TO FIND A REASON TO BE BLACK! Do those of you who DO have relatively dark skin keep getting ads that say "You're a white person! Buy this videotape of 'Hee Haw'!" or does this sort of bozosity only go this one way? I mean, if it went the other way, it would be racist! > >This invitation has resulted from you being featured in some publication, > > Strange, I don't recall being interviewed in Ebony or Black Business Week. > Then again, I do quite a bit of drinking, so I guess anything is possible. You were in "Jet" a few years ago. The article talked about how you were the only good actor on NBC's "seaQuest DSV". Although, now you're on that show about the time-travelling icosahedron, so I suspect your career isn't as successful as the spam would suggest. Also, why did they make it an icosahedron, given that Carl Sagan conclusively proved that anything that could travel through time would be a dodecahedron? > > Our registry has been developed from the prestigious 100 year old Who's Who > > tradition and, of course, each edition will be registered with the Library > > of Congress for future generations to review. > > Future generations will no doubt find it terribly important and richly > rewarding > to spend lots and lots of time looking up the names of random rich dead > black people. Well, see, they used to bury the white folks and black folks in separate cemeteries, in preparation for the day when, in the year 4000, Super Hitler-58 would revive only the Aryans. But now everyone's all mixed together, and it's politically incorrect to have "I AM AN ARYAN, PLEASE REVIVE ME, MISTER SUPER HITLER-58" on your tombstone, so the white folks started this massive conspiracy to get all the black people listed in "Who's Black" so they'll know who they don't need to revive. Assuming, of course, that Super Hitler-58 can read it, because it's only printed in English, and not in his native language, EVIL ESPERANTO!!! (It's like regular Esperanto except printed in fraktur. And there are umlauts on EVERY letter.) -- K. Fun prank: Send your arch-enemy an official-looking letter saying "You have been selected to appear in 'Who's Who Among People Who Are Really Stupid'," and see if they send you $79.95. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yo! Word to Your Stockbroker! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 02:54:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [Re: Otis being spammed by Who's Who Among Successful African-Americans] > > > > You were in "Jet" a few years ago. The article talked about how you > > were the only good actor on NBC's "seaQuest DSV". Although, now you're > > on that show about the time-travelling icosahedron, so I suspect your > > career isn't as successful as the spam would suggest. > > Actually, I strongly suspect that I received that particular spam merely > because my name is Otis, which just goes to show that the bozocity of the > real world is every bit as mind-bogglingly powerful as the synthetic, > artificially flavored bozocity we proudly create here in ark using the best > ingredients on Earth-2. So who are you as black as, Ned Beatty in "Superman: The Movie" or the invisible, fictional, made-up Otis Spunkmeyer? Quick! Spot the actual humans: Otis Spunkmeyer Orville Redenbacher Duncan Hines Chef Boyardee Betty Crocker General Mills Mrs. Paul The Jolly Green Giant Correct answers will be rewarded. Wrong answers will be rewarded too, but only from my point of view, he said as he took his spanking paddle off the wall rack. > > Also, why did they make it an icosahedron, given that Carl Sagan > > conclusively proved that anything that could travel through time > > would be a dodecahedron? > > For the same reason that Irwin Allen had to go back in time and burn the > Great Library at Alexandria: because that information is CLASSIFIED. I suspect Irwin Allen would never have done an episode of "The Time Tunnel" where Carl Sagan got to live out his boyhood fantasy of saving all the papyri from the Alexandrian Library because (a) there aren't any black and white movies set in the library for him to "borrow" the footage from, and (b) I'm sure Irwin Allen never heard of it. I mean, it was a LIBRARY. It had BOOKS AND STUFF. Irwin Allen was only an expert in gluing Ping-Pong balls to factory-reject wetsuits. > > [...] > > > > Assuming, of course, that Super Hitler-58 can read it, because it's only > > printed in English, and not in his native language, EVIL ESPERANTO!!! > > I'd reply to this with something witty, but the name "Super Hitler-58" and > the concept of Evil Esperanto have rendered me temporarily unable to type or > think. > > ANIMAL 57 + SUPERMAN > I > I > SUPER ANIMAL 57 + HITLER > I > I > SUPER HITLER 57 + FWB-CSBVO > I > I > SUPER HITLER-58 > > First one to get this joke in its entirety wins a laudatory poem. I get the feeling a bunch of people on alt.religion.kibology are going to followup with one-line posts that say "COOH-TER!" Or maybe I'm thinking of the wacky people over on sci.chem. I like how you substituted "HITLER" for "MAN", keeping in mind that syllogism written on the bathroom wall of the Library of Alexandria: * Hitler is a man. * Hitler is evil. * Therefore, all men are evil. -- Murphy Brown Speaking of people who got way too much airtime out of making fun of Dan Quayle, have you been seeing that long commercial for the "Presidential Bloopers" videotape? About half of the scenes appear to be of Dan Quayle. Was he President before or after Morgan Freeman? > > Fun prank: Send your arch-enemy an official-looking letter saying > > "You have been selected to appear in 'Who's Who Among People Who > > Are Really Stupid'," and see if they send you $79.95. > > I dunno, Kibo. If I were you, I wouldn't attempt to deposit any checks > drawn on the account of some joker with a name like "Archimedes Plutonium". Why? Whose arch-enemy is he? I'm only sending this to my arch-enemy, Orville Rickenbacker, The Popcorn Baron. -- K. Here's Joe Sopwith Camel smoking a cigarette as he flies his doghouse... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Newsreader Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 11:34:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Mike Zeares (mzeares@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > [re newsreader programs] > > > > The only think I wish I could do with Agent that I can't is color code > > everybody like Kibo does. 'Cause I wanna be just like Kibo. > > STEP ONE: Stop burning villages. And START burning cities! If you want to be more like me, you need to start talking about how that commercial where the people all tell strangers, "I DON'T BRUSH MY TEETH WITH TOOTHPASTE ANY MORE!" is stupid, especially since the twist at the end is that they use Aqua-Fresh, which, to the best of my knowledge, is still a kind of tootpaste even if they insist it's "whole-mouth paste". And then you should reminisce about the only commercial which was stupider in the same manner, "MY FAMILY DOESN'T USE TOILET PAPER ANY MORE!" (I wish I were making that one up. I forget what they claimed their brand of toilet paper was, other than paper. Probably something like 'soothing cloth-like cleanser wipes'.) Then you need to follow up to M. Otis's post just to let Mike Zeares know that I don't color code PEOPLE! That would be RACIST! I just imagine there are little red laser sight dots on the ones who push onto the subway train before those of us who need to get off can get off. I color code ARTICLES here, but only because my computer doesn't have smellovision. Yet. -- K. "Gateway: It comes in the box that smells like a cow!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.fetish.wet-and-messy From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Newsreader Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 08:28:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > that commercial where the people all tell strangers, "I DON'T BRUSH > > MY TEETH WITH TOOTHPASTE ANY MORE!" is stupid, especially since the > > twist at the end is that they use Aqua-Fresh, which, to the best of > > my knowledge, is still a kind of toothpaste even if they insist > > it's "whole-mouth paste". > > Well even cooler than that would be "full-body paste". DEAR INTERNET, IS IT TRUE THAT ELMER'S WOOD GLUE SHRINKS FOUR PERCENT AS IT DRIES? HOW MUCH PRESSURE CAN THE HUMAN BODY WITHSTAND BEFORE IT STOPS BEING FUN? PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY OPENED THE GALLON BOTTLE AND IT'S NOT RESEALABLE!!! -- K. "Do not save unused portion." is something I've actually seen printed on "convenience" foods. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Newsreader Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 02:00:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you want to be more like me, you need to start talking about how > > that commercial where the people all tell strangers, "I DON'T BRUSH > > MY TEETH WITH TOOTHPASTE ANY MORE!" is stupid, especially since the > > twist at the end is that they use Aqua-Fresh, which, to the best of > > my knowledge, is still a kind of tootpaste even if they insist > ^^^^^^^^^ > This is my favorite word in the universe right at this moment. > > OH NO! I MADE FUN OF KIBO BY ACCIDENT! ON PURPOSE! You're just tricking me into posting this followup so that I won't be able to correct the typo in my archive, right? Well, all I can say is: IF YOU AUTHORED A HUNDRED INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT POSTINGS EVERY DAY LIKE I DO AND YOU DIDN'T MAKE A TYPO ONCE IN A WHILE PEOPLE WOULD THINK YOU WERE A BOZO! -- K. And for how long were you a bozo? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Crush videos' decried Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 04:09:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > SIMI VALLEY, Calif., Aug. 23 (UPI) -- Actor Mickey Rooney has joined > lawmakers and animal rights activists to decry what are being called > ``crush videos,'' a type of pornography in which women wearing boots or > open toed shoes crush small animals and insects beneath their feet. You know, like Judy Garland once did to him. OOH! I'M SORRY! I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO EVIL THAT I MADE THE MOST OBVIOUS COMMENT POSSIBLE EVEN THOUGH IT WAS KIND OF EVIL! > At a news conference today in Simi Valley, Calif., Rooney displayed > still photos showing women in stiletto high heels squashing a mouse, > rabbit and what appeared to be a guinea pig or hamster. > ``It's deplorable,'' Rooney said, adding that ``the right of free > speech does not include crushing small animals to death.'' > Also at the news conference was Rep. Elton Gallegly, who has > introduced a bill in Congress to impose a prison term of up to five > years for sale of the videos. I would just like to say that I have a fetish for collecting Internet reports of fetishes that are stranger than mine. I've been following the Crush Videos saga for the past two years ever since I was first informed of the popularity of these videotapes showing men dressed as women in their underwear using stiletto heels to crush white (and only white) mice who had been duct-taped to the floor: /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ A repost of an article I only wrote because my newsreader lit up in purple when it saw the string "abian". From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 2die4.com member arrested Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 05:02:18 GMT In news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, Fabo (fabian@li.net) wrote: > > According to News12 Long Island, he had an opration that sold videos of > him and other women dressin lingeree crushing white mice that were taped > by their tails to the floor. > > The participants used spiked heels > > OUCH !! This is an interesting fetish. For instance, if he had videotaped women crushing gray mice whose tails were stapled to the floor, that presumably would be a different fetish (or at least a different newsgroup.) If they were crushed with platform heels, that would be another. And if they were crushed against the accelerator pedal by a bare foot, that would be yet another. So the fetish as described involves a) women b) lingerie c) crushing d) white e) mice f) tape (duct or Scotch?) g) stiletto heels I.e. it combines lingerie fetish, bondage (tape) fetish, foot fetish, bestiality, and the ever-popular Crushing Of White Things. Ever notice nobody ever crushes, or throws, brown eggs? MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? And although rats are generally less popular than mice, nobody finds killing rats erotic. And *everyone* is turned on by duct tape. *Nobody* is turned on by masking tape. And the less said about Scotch Lo-Tack Repositionable, the better. But it boggles the mind that anyone whose fetish is as specific as a-b-c-d-e-f-g above would be willing to watch someone else's videotape. You'd think that by the time they've specialized that much, EVERY other person's fetish would be "wrong" (i.e. "This sucks! The tape is applied in an 'X', not straight across the way I need it!") But somewhere out there is someone who bought the women-lingerie-crushing-white-mice- tape-stiletto tape. (Immediately an NBC executive enters the room and says, "Hey! This must be some hip underground Gen-X trend we're only barely aware of, like that new 'Macarena' thing! We better broadcast a new TV series to capitalize on the vast untapped mouse-crushing audience!") Then NBC makes a new series where fashion models, all wearing red patent leather stilettos with gold tips, crush mice held down with tape, with multicolored ribbon bows tied to their tails. It gets a 100 rating the first week, and the other networks start airing knockoffs within a week: CBS has TV stars of yesteryear crushing mice in their own homes, delivered by the CBS Mouse Fetish Team. ABC shows one-on-one hour-long sessions between Barbara Walters and a single mouse on a black limbo set. Fox shows midget transvestites jumping up and down in buckets of mice. WB asks viewers to send in their own mouse tapes and the cost of postage will be refunded to the person who sends the best one. UPN has the cast of "Star Trek" Voyager" crushing mice live in grunge nightclubs. Of course, by Week 2, when all these other shows premiere, they all get 0 ratings because you seen one crushed mouse, you seen 'em all. The new Mouse Crushing Network (MCN), a joint venture of Microsoft, Disney, Paramount, and Ted Turner, goes bankrupt and switches to showing computer mice being crushed in a hydraulic press 24 hours a day. Then, of course, all the sitcoms start doing lame jokes about mouse crushing fetishists. Johnny Carson puts his show back on the air for one night just so he can dress up as a mouse and say "Eek! Eek!" as Paula Poundstone puts her foot to his back while Ed McMahon holds his tail down in a sketch called "PAULA POUNDMOUSE". The show, like all the others, flops, but... in Japan, it's an enormous hit because the title contains the phrase "POUND MOUSE". The imitation cycle begins again... "THE POUND MOUSE HAPPY HOUR", "POUND MOUSE WITH JEN AND KIKI", "THE POUNDERS OF MOUSE", "POUND MOUSE Z" premiere in Japan in cartoon form. These "pound mouse anime" shows develop a huge underground following in America because they're so incomprehensible and poorly animated that the shows are assumed to be incredibly good. College students everywhere give up their studies and start trying to learn Japanese so they can understand "POUND MOUSE Z". But nobody ever understands "POUND MOUSE Z", because those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat their mistakes: "PANTY CAT" taught us NOTHING. -- K. I miss Panty Cat. /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ 1998 /\/\/\/\/\/ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Animal Snuff (Feet) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 05:44:38 GMT Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Online "animal snuff" business leads to arrest > > ISLIP TERRACE, New York (Reuters) - A judge has freed bail a Long Island > man charged with selling videotapes of women in high steels stomping frogs > and rodents to death. Okay, I admit it, I knew about this last week. Except none of the tapes I have have any frogs on them! It's odd. Why would frogs be considered erotic objects to crush? > A Web site on the Internet showed excerpts from some of the hundreds of > videos which carried titles like "Debby the Destructor," "Vanessa's Frog > Stomp" and "Vanessa, Topless Crusher." Vanessa's Frog Stomp. It's either a dance craze or a disease. (The best are both, like St. Vitus's.) > Police said Thomas Capriola, 28, of Islip Terrace in Suffolk County, was > accused of running a ring that sold tapes of guinea pigs, mice, frogs and > rabbits being stamped on. I can just see the Reuters copy editors shouting across their desks now: "DO YOU STOMP ON MICE OR STAMP ON MICE? WERE THE MICE STAMPED ON OR STOMPED?" > Adam Gross of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to > Animals said the tapes were a "foot-fetish type of thing". Then Adam Cool said the tapes were "completely free of perversion." > Police said Capriola, who was granted bail of $750, faces possibly > thousands of counts of animal cruelty, each of which can carry up to a > $1,000 fine and a one-year jail sentence. Followed by THE STOMPING OF HIS LIFE! > Some of the animals were bought at pet stores, where Capriola told sales > clerks he was buying them to feed to a pet snake. Hmm, he could get an extra year for lying to a pet store employee. They could sentence him to hard labor on Hartz Mountain, breaking rocks into millet! > Police acting on a tip raided Capriola's home Sunday night and found > marijuana, weapons, several white mice and pairs of stiletto-heel shoes. How the mice got into the shoes, I'll never know. > They are still looking for the women in the videos. Well, duh. > He was released Monday on bail. So how come they didn't arrest Hank Ketcham when he drew that Dennis The Menace cartoon where Dennis just slid into home plate and he pulls some sort of stringy glop out of his back pocket and says, "I had three live caterpillars in there!"? That's sick 'cause he's a MINOR! -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 07:23:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [Warning: This is my monthly Somewhat Serious Rant.] "Brack!" (tiki@iinet.net.au) wrote: > > Subject: Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera > > Should I even be considering this camera? > > PROS: Dirt cheap. > > CONS: Has pink plastic flower on it. It's only $70, but I'd avoid it if I were you. The memory in it is NOT removable, so you have to connect it to your computer to suck the photos out before you can take any more -- and it can only hold six. They're also some small size (considerably less than 640x480). My suspicion is that it's something akin to a Kodak DC20 (which was made by Chinon) with a plastic flower on it. I hated it when it was a DC20, and the plastic flower won't trick me into thinking it's a different camera. (It's actually not a DC20, I think, but something even more lame. The DC20, if memory serves, held six 493x373 pictures or twelve tiny 320x240 pictures, and you couldn't even change between the two modes without (a) erasing all the pictures and (b) connecting it to a computer because it didn't a switch on the camera body. The DC20 also yields nastily artifacted/oversharpened little pictures.) Barbie camera: http://www.barbie.com/girls/softwareforgirls/photodesigner/index.html http://www.mattel.com/branded/Mattel_Media/index2.asp?prod=1 Kodak DC20 / Chinon ES-1000 (no longer on the market, thankfully): http://www.dcresource.com/reviews/cameraDetail.php3?cam=34 http://www.dcresource.com/reviews/cameraDetail.php3?cam=19 I mention these two cameras solely because they're the only two digital still cameras I've ever touched that I would consider to be bad. Neither has adequate resolution or removable storage. Mattel/Hasbro don't want to tell anyone what the resolution of the Barbie camera is, but I poked around and found a press release: > Mattel Media To Ship Barbie(R) Camera > > By Aaron Ricadela, Computer Retail Week > > Smile, Barbie fans. Mattel Media plans to ship, this fall, a low-priced > digital camera that lets children snap, print, and e-mail photographs. � > The Barbie Digital Camera, which will retail in the mid-$60 range, stores > up to six low-resolution digital pictures on board, said Pamela Kelly, > vice president of worldwide marketing for Mattel Media. Then, with a > serial cord connection, girls can download the 120 x 280-pixel images to > their PC to create scrapbooks, postcards, and short movies with the > software that's included. > > Andy Rifkin, Mattel senior vice president of creative technology, said the > camera saves images in a proprietary compressed format, then converts them > to one of five standard formats, including HTML, JPEG, and TIFF. > In a demonstration at the American International Toy Fair in New York, a > Mattel representative used the CD-ROM software to snap a reporter's photo, > put him in a car with Barbie, and take them for a spin. The software also > lets users print a 3-by-3-inch image. Barbie Digital Camera uses an > on-board processor Mattel Media is sourcing from several companies, but > not Intel, Rifkin said. 120x280! That's not a photo! That's an ICON! That's less than two inches tall on-screen! I know Barbie is 1/6 scale, with ankles like swizzle sticks, but this camera seems pretty puny even for her. It also appears to have NO FLASH. Meaning that you can never use it anywhere except outdoors during business hours. The "short movies" are presumably "a series of six photos taken about two seconds apart", as it only holds six and it can't be too fast. And "an on-board processor Mattel Media is sourcing from several companies" sounds a little fishy. "We don't know WHAT'S in our own cameras this week!" Hmm, made by several companies, but not Intel... could it be something like a PowerPC 403GA? (The 403GA is used in things like Ford truck engines and U.S. Robotics modems.) I wish *my* camera could put a reporter in a car with Barbie and take them for a spin. Off a cliff. ONE LESS REPORTER! AND ONE LESS BARBIE! IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION! (I understand how the CD-ROM that comes with the camera lets kids put reporters into Barbie cars, but how do you take them "for a spin"? Does the picture revolve like the steering wheel of The Minnow in a storm?) Note that the pricing is "in the mid-$60 range", which means seventy-nine bucks and not sixty dollars and fifty cents. Hasbro Interactive (the same company as Mattel) are supposed to start selling a Nascar version soon which will presumably have a racecar sticker covering the plastic flower. So you can get the toy camera in your choice of girlie colors or Hot Wheels colors. Anyway, like I've said before, ALMOST any digital camera -- other than the DC20 (off the market) or the $79 Barbie camera will take good pictures. (Don't get one that doesn't do 640x480.) Expect to pay at least $300. Different cameras may have different features you may need, depending on what you're doing -- optical zoom of varying powers (digital zoom is pointless), macro (close-up) mode, different storage media (some cameras take PC Cards or floppy disks, others require you to connect the camera to the computer with a cord), and professionalish goodies like manual focus, different exposure modes, interchangeable lenses, etc. You can get a good basic digital camera for about $300-400, ones loaded with features tend to be about $400-$700. (I know of one that sells for $25,000, a gigantic studio camera for fashion photos.) If you shoot photos and have them all scanned onto PhotoCD, the cost per photo (film stock, processing, scanning) can be up to $1 -- so if you use a film camera often enough that you shoot several hundred shots (to PhotoCD) during the life of the camera, switching to a digital one could save you money. (I'm ignoring the cost of recharging the battery, but that's pretty minimal -- even ones that take handfuls of disposable AAs only consume a few cents worth of power per photo.) Digital photos tend to have better color than scanned film, too (and much better than scanned photo prints.) But if you just want to put a few prints in an album, you shouldn't get a digital camera. Digital cameras are for people who want to fill up their Web site real fast. I bought the Sony FD-91 because it has a HUGE zoom lens -- 14x optical! -- and, like most Sony video cameras, can also photograph things right against the lens, so this camera can both enlarge things that are very far away and shoot tiny insects up close. Plus it has manual focus and exposure, which I wanted so I could take action shots without waiting for the camera to measure and guess. The only drawback is that it takes floppy disks, which means that it has to compress the images a bit more than my previous camera, the Kodak DC210, which took sharper pictures but didn't have much in the way of features. Oh, and the FD-91 requires me to carry it in a case shaped like a ham hock. It's one of those camera that's the size of a regular camera with a beer can glued on. I like big lenses. (Just ask the people at the eyeglass shop.) Sony Mavica FD-91: http://www.dcresource.com/reviews/cameraDetail.php3?cam=108 http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/dimaging/browse_the_products/digital_mavica_camera/mavica_models/mvc_fd91/index.html (yes, that URL is longer than Lee Bumgarner's Message-IDs.) For some reason, the DC210 (my former camera) seems to be unusually popular among Kibologists; I've encountered at least four alt.religion.kibology people who have it. Could it be that I have an unconscious power to influence the buying decisions of my generation? Gosh, I hope so. -- K. PLEASE WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN AND DEMAND THAT THEY MAKE CHERRY PEZ AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN. We now return you to our regularly scheduled anarchy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 05:23:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carol Scheible (carol-s@keyone.com) wrote: > > I was searching deja.com in hopes of finding a downloadable patch for the > Barbie Photo software, which crashes frequently. "Oh no! The nuclear reactor just exploded! Was it Y2K?" "No... All I did was plug in my Barbie camera..." "Now all life on Earth is doomed because of Barbie!" (I love Sun's disclaimer on Java which says that Java may not under any circumstances be used to control nuclear power plants.) > Not sure what this product has to do with this group (or even what this > group is about!), That's the most sensible thing said in alt.religion.kibology in weeks. In fact, I think it's the only sensible thing said here. Except for this sentence, which seems to also be making a lot of sense, unless it turns out to end with a nonsense word woxwox. > but will offer what I know. > > I bought this item for my 9 year old daughter. It is dirt cheap as far as > digital cameras go, but not surpisingly, it gives very poor quality > pictures. Also, the software is very annoying for an adult to use. Software hates me too. I was shopping for software today, and all the good stuff said "FOR ALL AGES 3 TO 103, EXCEPT FOR AGE 32", so I couldn't use any of it. > Even my daughter gets annoyed with Barbie talking to her, constantly spewing > instructions such as "To print your pictures, click on the printer icon" "To > create a photo collage, click on the ...blah, blah, blah". This is helpful > for new users, but there is no way to turn it off!! [well, okay, you can > turn the computer speakers off.] Oh, joy! They've improved Talking Barbie by making it impossible to turn her off! I can imagine that soon we'll be subjected to walking, talking Barbie dolls that follow us around all day, cannot be destroyed, can run five hundred miles an hour, and constantly yell "Math is hard! Math is hard!" > It is also cumbersome to export the pictures as jpg's. The images are > stored in a custom format by the Barbie software. Ah, yes, regular JPEG isn't good enough for Barbie. She had to come up with her own special format which is a million times better than JPEG. Barbie put millions of dollars of research into developing The Secret Barbie Picture Format. Or maybe the programmers were just lazy and said "Aw, heck, the photos are only 120x280, they're so tiny that they don't need any compression. Maybe everyone else on the Web will switch to using Web browsers that can read raw blocks of data straight from the Barbie format and I won't have to actually implement JPEG." > I don't recommend this product. If after reading my negative comments, you > still are interested in buying one, and would like to see pictures my > daughter has taken with it, email me and I'll be glad to send you an > attachment. I think what all this proves is that we grown-ups are fuddy-duddies who worry about the quality of the pictures that come out of our digital camera, whereas if we were under the age of ten we'd be happy to have any sort of camera that had a flower on it. Except for me, when I was nine I would have wanted a camera that had Evel Knievel on it. (Hmm, the Evel Knievel camera would have to withstand being dropped into a canyon...) I admire the chutzpah of the Barbie camera's manufacturer. They must have known that adults everywhere would think the camera is junky -- after all, they don't tell you what the resolution is on either the Barbie or Mattel Interactive Web sites. But I suspect they were thinking that kids don't know what the difference between a $79 and a $900 digital camera is, they just want to be able to shoot pictures of any sort. After all, they sold the PXL 2000 video camera, which recorded extremely blurry, overexposed black-and-gray images on audiocassettes. I think it's nice that they at least tried to make a toy which lets girls have fun and maybe learn a little about computing and photography. But yeah, I can't think of any real reason to recommend the camera except that giving kids a $900 camera to play with might be a little excessive. If I had a daughter, I might buy her the $79 flower with the camera growing out of it, but if she used it for a day and said, "Daddy, this camera takes SUCKY pictures!" I'd feel really guilty about it. -- K. Maybe I wouldn't get kicked out of places so often if I painted a big pink flower on my camera before taking my snapshots... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 23:18:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "ZnU" (titanium@psn.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [quoting a press release from Barbie about her wimpy little camera] > > > > > > Andy Rifkin, Mattel senior vice president of creative technology, said the > > > camera saves images in a proprietary compressed format, then converts them > > > to one of five standard formats, including HTML, JPEG, and TIFF. > ^^^^ > Wow. I was not aware that HTML was an image format. My Sony also saves HTML directly to floppy disk. It's just about the lamest excuse for HTML you've ever seen. It saves the photo (a big .JPG or .BMP file), a thumbnail (a .411 file), and adds a link to a .HTM file -- but the .HTM is a page of plain text that doesn't show the thumbnail or anything. I don't know why you'd want this; it contains the same information as a plain directory listing, only badly-formatted. (I.e. if you throw away the lame INDEX.HTM, most Web servers will still show a list of links to the images. Given that the camera is making thumbnails -- albeit in a proprietary format -- why isn't it making a Web page with thumbnails on it, if it assumes that I'm such a lazy bozo that the CAMERA has to write my Web pages for me?) Fun factoid: Those .411 files, which you can't do anything with, are about 4K in size, and there's one for each file. If you stick the disk into a DOS or Windows computer, they show up and nothing happens when you double-click 'em. However, if you stick the disk into a Mac, the Mac figures "OH, THESE FILES ARE IMPORTANT, I'LL HIDE THEM FROM THE HUMAN SO AS NOT TO ACCIDENTALLY MAKE HIM THINK," and the .411 files are invisible -- which means you can't delete them. So if you clean the pictures off the disk, invisible .411 files gradually collect on it, eating up space. (Unless you re-format the entire disk, but you get bored waiting for that.) Would someone please tell all the computers in the world that I want to see all the stuff at all times? I always want to see the .411 files on Macs, I always want to see the filename extensions under Windows, and I always want to see the dot-files under UNIX. Please reconfigure your computer that way in case I ever need to use it. > > > In a demonstration at the American International Toy Fair in New York, a > > > Mattel representative used the CD-ROM software to snap a reporter's photo, > > > put him in a car with Barbie, and take them for a spin. The software also > > > lets users print a 3-by-3-inch image. Barbie Digital Camera uses an > > Or if you bump it up to say, 600 DPI, a .36 x .36 inch image. Or, on a typical 3600 dots-per-inch (linear) imagesetter, a .06 x .06 inch image. That's ALMOST two millimeters wide! And such high resolution! You wouldn't be able to see the defects at all! > I've actually seen pictures taken by one of these. Not only are they tiny, > but they're out of focus, and have compression artifacts serious enough to > kill a man twice before he can even hit the ground. I only survived by > chewing off my left arm. I suspect it's probably fixed-focus, like the average disposable camera, and I bet it has a loooong exposure time (tiny lens and no flash) so things would get motion-blurred. The fact that the camera's so light (and being held by a little girl!) means you're always going to get some blur from camera wiggle (my DC210 tended to get that, it was pretty small and took up to half a second to take pictures in dark areas when I didn't use the flash.) And the fact that the Barbie camera has one of the world's tiniest camera lenses (most cheap cameras have really little lenses) means, again, it's harder to get a sharp image (and the camera needs more light.) I suspect the best way to judge the quality of a camera without actually using it is to just look at how big the lens is. If the lens looks like this: _ (_) ...then you've got a Barbie digital camera or other little camera. If the lens looks like this: ___ / \ | | \___/ ...then you have a typical digital camera or consumer-oriented film camera. If the lens looks like this: (SKILLFULLY-CRAFTED PICTURE OF A CIRCLE ABOUT THE SAME DIAMETER AS A COKE CAN) ...then you have an expensive camera that can make anyone look beautiful. I pointed my camera at Bob Hope and it took a picture of Cindy Crawford. I can't wait to see what happens when I point it at Cindy Crawford. Most digital cameras inherently have a slightly soft focus, and try to make up for it by using a "sharpen" image-processing algorithm -- which doesn't really help the focus but makes edges more prominent. Many of these cameras, particularly the cheap ones (and some very expensive ones!) do WAY too much "sharpening" and high-contrast objects (like signs) develop light haloes around dark objects and dark haloes around like objects. OH WOW! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A KINESCOPE OF AN IMAGE ORTHICON! I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING "THE HONEYMOONERS" IN CONVENIENT STILL PICTURE FORMAT! The JPEG compression done by most cameras (some can save lossless TIFFs or BMPs) also tends to muss up edges and things with fine textures, in a way that's hard to describe -- with too much JPEG compression, edges tend to develop these strings of 8x8-pixel glass blocks around them. So, if you keep your camera set to the "highest compression" setting to save space, be sure to take photos of street mimes to make their glass boxes visible. -- K. I APOLOGIZE FOR TELLING PEOPLE TO TAKE PHOTOS OF STREET MIMES, WHICH MIGHT ENCOURAGE THE MIMES. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness Kit Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 23:37:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Edward A Lowther (eal34@sawasdee.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > *Sigh* Saw a really cool cone-down-a-gully with other junk. This > is the kind of thing they don't show on Discovery Channel or even > When-Cones-Attack Channel. Sorry, no heartstring-tugging photo! I would just like to say that I honestly wackparsed that as "Sorry, no heartstring-tugging potato!" And then I imagined Edward having a potato tied to a string hanging from his heart. And his chest was transparent so we could all see. The people who make wax and silk fruit make very nice potatoes these days, with little tufts of peat moss glued on to represent dirt. I bought a plastic eggplant so that we can play "spin the eggplant" at the alt.religion.kibology party. -- K. Actually, it's a different game, but it does involve a movable eggplant. Anyway, I know everyone likes eggplant. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MY interaction with Famousnessess Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 23:41:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I once held the door open for noted Maryland based children show host > 'Captain Chesapeake'. The first time I read it, it said "Captain Cheapskate", which I think would be an even better children's show: BILLY: Captain Cheapskate, what's today's cartoon? CAP'N CH'SKATE: Ahr! Avast! Today's cartoon be one of those stickers that changes from one picture ta another when tilted! I found it in your box o' Cracker Jacks! Ahr! Now keep pedalling the generator if ye wanna stay on the air! -- K. And then you'd want to hold the door closed for him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flying Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 00:13:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > A couple of observations, from a trip to the Netherlands... > > a) The airport parking lot is full of mysterious little signs. We were > parked on the "Rocketship Level" Cool! In Boston, Logan airport just has all the levels named after stupid touristy things like "Swan Boats Level" and "Hatch Shell Level" and "Minuteman Level" and "Big Dig Level". Okay, I made the last one up. But one of the chains of local ice cream parlors has "Big Dig" flavor ice cream, advertised as "FRESH OFF THE STREETS OF BOSTON!" Anyway, those levels of the airport parking garage all have little loops of fiteen seconds of Muzak playing over and over, as part of Standard Parking L.P.'s Musical Floor Reminder System, U.S. Patent #4,674,937. I've made fun of it before, and I'm going to keep making fun of it until someone tells me why U.S. Patent #4,674,937 (printed on the signs) isn't in my favorite computerized database of all patents ever issued, except for the two that Archimedes Plutonium thinks were accepted because the Patent Office never wrote back to him. Hmm, maybe he invented the Musical Floor Reminder System. Naah, he can't have, otherwise all the floors would play German music. And each would smell like a different kind of candy. > a) The airport was covered in signs that said "Noodstop!" TIRED OF WALKING? RIDE THE PUBLIC NOODLE! > a) The airplane had a little card depicting the things you were, and > were not allowed to do. We are allowed to look out the windows, but we > are not allowed to see clouds, fire, or crashing airplanes. What is the icon for "you're allowed"? (I've always assumed it's just the lack of any other icon.) > a) Advertisement: "The Luxury of Dirt. Think about all the bad things in > the world. Now think about shopping. That's why I like shopping." So treat yourself to a trip to The Expensive Dirt Store! I would repost that article where I talked about the wire-service report about that store in Georgia that sold bags of dirt because people in Georgia like to eat dirt, but I've reposted a couple of old articles already this year. -- K. They put flavoring in library paste because it makes little kids eat more of it. So why not flavored dirt? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Newspaper department reading room at city of Boston public library department Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 07:27:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Irritating library users/customers/consumers is the norm at our urban > public library in Boston. NEWS FLASH! PEOPLE ARE BEING IRRITATED IN THE LIBRARY THAT DON SAKLAD IS IN! ALSO, FIRE CAN BURN YOU! > In closing the newspaper department reading room, an announcement > is made in a manner that sends a message that you are not welcome > during the remaining minutes. As opposed to those OTHER libraries that have loudspeakers constantly suggesting that you stay past closing time. > Chairs are scraped and shoved in a performance to get people's > attention indirectly. The chairs are new. It damages the chairs over time. Dear Archimedes Saklad, Please post diagrams of the proper redesign of chairs for reading newspapers in public libraries that you don't like. Also please post your grocery lists for the past six months, something about how professional wrestlers should have to open buckets of maple syrup in your living room, and something about infinitely long integers made entirely of two 7's with an infinite number of dots between them. > Closing should be more cheerful and a message that you will be welcome > next time you visit should be clearly conveyed. What's this? Clearly Conveying a Cheerful, Courteous Closing? Will the Boston Public Library put up a big banner saying "DON SAKLAD WILL BE WELCOME NEXT TIME HE VISITS"? Tune in tomorrow! Same BPL-Time, Same BPL-Channel! > On leaving city of Boston public library department's building on > Dartmouth Street, Dear Archimedes Saklad, Please also post something about the Kiewit library on Boston Street. Thank you. > library personnel are gathered and glowering at remaining library > users/customers/consumers. It is as if library > users/customers/consumers are an impediment to the lib. I'm an irate library customer and I WANT MY MONEY BACK. -- K. All those late fees I was charged. I mean, it's unfair, the book was so thick that it took me an extra week to circle all the dirty words! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.philosophy.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Transition Phase; AP mission to visit the famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 08:06:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history.science and talk.philosophy.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > MY NOTES of 10Aug-22Aug: > > Continuing from previous post of my sojourn in Canada > 10Aug-22Aug99 > > Today, Sunday Aug15 pouring down rain for 12 hours. And a good > time to check out the cap to the Toyota whether water-resistant. I also hope the cap on your head is water-resistant. I mean, your head could burst at any time, and I'd hate for it to soak your cap. > Always get aluminum, not fiberglass as too heavy for one person. Besides, people expect The King Of Science & Logic to wear an aluminum cap. Made from the finest crinkly foil. Keeps the evil people from stealing your brainwaves, you know... > I am enjoying my property. After closing on Thurs about 1pm, I > have had a nonstop marathon of cleaning and fixing up. Such as > changing the lock to a double-deadbolt. And I seem > unable to find any grass whip Mmm... grass whip. It's green, creamy, and is the whip-tastic taste sensation! > or long handle sickle and I get strange stares from stores like WalMart The people in Wal-Mart think you look weird? Gosh. Even *I* don't look creepier than the people I see at Wal-Mart. Next you'll tell me that the people at the Department of Motor Vehicles said you were slow and surly. > as that they never heard of such tools. Grass... whip? You are cutting grass with a whip? > From closing until this moment I have not thought about any physics, We never expected you to start. > except for the time when I tried getting water out of the well > without running the electric pump. I... see. So, you figured turning on the device that was meant to get water out of the well would make it too easy. Explain to me again about how you crowned yourself the King of Logic? > Using plastic 5 gall. buckets and how to make the > lid sink to catch the water. It floats too much. I solved it > by attaching a weight onto the lip of the bucket. I suppose in > past history they never had that problem because they had metal > buckets. I get the feeling he's about to talk about the glorious days of whattle-and-daub construction, and how ruffians would steal from barrels by loosening the staves. Arch, have you been playing with the burlap doors again? > With my South Dakota farms circa 1986-1987 most of my mind was absorbed by the giant sponge the surgeons left in my brain after my lobotomy > with growing things especially brain fungus > and property concerns of fixing and maintenance. However, in this > new cycle which has one wheel, I ride around town in my clown outfit > of property ownership I cannot allow property to absorb my mind. > I am the King of Science something I must not forget and thus, Oh, yeah, you don't want to be one of those Kings of Science who keeps forgetting who he is. Those Kings of Science are real dopes. > all of my time must be devoted to science and being openly mocked on the Internet. > weighed and parcelled out for nonscience. Like an Alien Abduction > I cannot allow for my mind to be abducted from science, Exactly what planet is it where they want your brain? > or like Body Snatcher, I cannot allow my mind to be taken away from > my fate as the King of Science. Owning property now, unlike out in > South Dakota in 1986, means convenience and help towards science, > not a taking of my time, and not a stealing away of my mind on > nonscience. DEAR NONSCIENTISTS, PLEASE STOP STEALING ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM'S MIND. IT IS A GREAT STRAIN ON OUR BUDGETARY RESOURCES TO PROSECUTE SUCH PETTY THEFT. THAT IS ALL. > God gives us signs and signals and we must look for these signals > and signs to carry out our lives. Yesterday I saw a cloud shaped like Archimedes Plutonium riding a unicycle in a clown suit with aluminum foil wrapped around his rainbow wig, and then a lightning bolt hit it and it turned to a shower of tadpoles. > For example, yesterday I mended a broken window. SURELY A SIGN FROM GOD! IT'S A SIGN... THAT GOD ALLOWED YOU TO FIX A BROKEN WINDOW! > Only it was a difficult mending because it had tar-like caulking. Please stop talking about Milton Berle's lungs. > And I cut myself 3 times, one good one running 4 cm down one finger. I agree, any cut Archimedes Plutonium suffers is a GOOD one. > And alot of little chips that I had to "special wash" my skin. A skill you learned when riding the special bus to special school. > And it was at that moment where I realized that this cabin property > of mine was no longer worth more of my time. Yeah, you've only lived in it a day and already it's in significantly worse shape than when it started. > And that more fixing had to be of an "essential need for > essential purpose" for me to fix it. > Another example of heeding God's signs and signals. I slept in > the cabin the night of the 12August closing. Didn't you say something above about how you were now talking about science? I mean, if science was just about who slept where, then then entire periodic table would be named after George Washington and people from "Melrose Place". > And I should have remembered "more fully" my last cycle of property > ownership of South Dakota, HOORAY! THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH DAKOTA ARE NO LONGER ENSLAVED BY ARCHIE PLUTONIUM! > that there will be mice in a building. Science proves that mice are required. > Sure enough I heard this "noise" and got the flashlight to discover a mouse. Archie's greatest scientific discovery. Although I suspect the mouse discovered Archie first. Mice are smart. > I do not know if it is true that if you see one mouse means that > there are 100 around. Regardless, I had forgotten that last cycle > in SD where I bought stainless steel mouse trap cages and had a > "resident outside cat". Systematically I killed the mice in SD. Oh, yeah, there ain't no mice in South Dakota now thanks to Saint Plutonium driving them out. > But come every autumn-winter the wild mice would get in through > the spaces in the outside walls. Mice have the extraordinary ability > to "flatten-out" their bodies and to enter a building from a small > crack either in wood or concrete. (Suddenly, Archimedes Plutonium's house is invaded by hordes of planaria!) > And mice see a building as just a tree and they see Archimedes Plutonium as just a nut. > which is their natural home in the wild and thus they will > make attempts on entering and occupying. Compound the fact that > most humans are "dirty" That's right, I keep forgetting that to become King of Science and Logic, you must first become celibate. > and they always leave food laying around. > Well, upon that night which was about 3am I packed up my bedding > and went outside to sleep in the Toyota. > I am at the point in my life where a good night sleep in clean > environment means more to me. And in my Toyota where there will > never be a mouse problem I began to realize what God was signaling > me that as a dream of my father to own a Airstream and live in an > Airstream. That this was the signal to fulfill that dream. That the > metal and tires of an Airstream was a good mouse prevention. Yeah, but Airstreams tend to get damaged in a collision with a moose. Wouldn't you rather have a mouse than a moose? > Luckily I did learn alot from the SD experience with mice. And > basically what I learned there was that wood cabinets are bad. That > cabinets in any house are a mice increaser. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired Hanna-Barbera cartoon rock band name #22: KING OF SCIENCE AND THE MOUSE INCREASER > Because the cabinets are a favorite site for mice with all > that food around. So, stop eating food. > Mice can easily get into anything that is packaged. So, keep everything in loose piles. > So, the only modern mice protector is these 5 gallon plastic buckets > with lids, But aren't those hard to seal from the inside? > other than the refrigerator and freezer. Luckily I saved these buckets > and had enough to put most of my materials inside. > I do not know the best way to reform the cabinet making industry > but it needs reforming so as to address the problem of mice. Maybe you should run for President on the "People should use plastic maple syrup buckets instead of cabinets because all homes have mice except for South Dakota" platform. Then you could be President of Science and King of the United States. > So I resolved in my mind as of 13Aug99 that I will make a > determined effort to buy myself an Airstream trailer and to have > that as my permanent home. > And I think that as a biologist and a human, that it is never > cruel to experiment with mice for the advancement and furtherance > of science, perhaps cruel to other animals such as cats and dogs > but not mice because they certainly take advantage of humans > in moving in and dirtying up human residences and eating human > foods. Mice will not leave us alone, so make full use of them > in research. How about cockroaches? You NEVER hear about scientists testing new drugs on cockroaches. It's a massive cover-up! > The Plutonium Atom Foundation now owns two properties. One I > call the South Dakota land of 1/2 hectare, and now this Halifax > property of 1 hectare. If my previous land owning cycle is anything > to judge by, I will probably end up owning about 6 parcels of land. Does this count that imaginary island? Did you sell your imaginary tropical island before you made millions of dollars off the stock market while bumming free Internet access off your $7-and-hour dishwashing job, or did you put it in one of the buckets and take it to Halifax? > Why so many? I suspect that it is somewhat like music in that > the desire to own is a strong desire and one is not satisfied until > one reaches a saturation point. Oh, yeah, music always makes me buy six homes and then still sleep in a trailer. > Like in music of a favorite tune. One has to hear it over and over > until a saturation point is reached I think I'm going to go watch TV now. [...long pause...] Okay, I'm back. You can resume repeating yourself about how people get tired of repetition. > and then the tune is no longer needed to be heard. > What I believe, and I should include this theory into my website > is that music scores that one likes is a replay of a past lifetime. So there were lots of cavemen who liked disco, rap, and John Tesh music? Well, okay, I can understand cavemen liking John Tesh. I mean, look at his skull structure. But I don't think cavemen were sophisticated enough to discover disco. > A song or melody or sound which one loves and plays over and over > again is a connection of that person to a previous past incarnation > life. Whether it is a grassblade with a sound of grass Wait, first you were talking about grass whips, and now grass blades. What's next, a grass bazooka? Archimedes Plutonium-inspired reggae band name #23: GRASS BAZOOKA > or a insect of a sound of insect -- the current favorite music that one > listens to over and over is a connecting back to a reincarnated > past life. And then the mind gets tired or saturated of the music > tune. > So, I suspect that I will get tired or saturated "in my mind" of > property ownership with about 6 parcels. And of course my property > ownership is concomitantly dependent upon whether the stock market > continues to reward me. > > It is remarked that Hell is a place where there is no room for > Reason or Reasoning. Hell is an endless nine-dimensional matrix of disembodied Archimedes Plutonium heads stretching to infinity in all directions, all talking about how much they like plastic buckets. > Pragmatically, also, I would add that Hell is a place where there > is little chance of achieving cleanliness, order, and sanitation. Hell is like a gas station's restroom without the toilet. > Thus, to me an Airstream out competes any house for health > and sanitation possibilities. No house is mouse proof and thus > the critters walk and piss and poop all over your home. Have you considered just living in a giant toilet? That would be the most sanitary because then you could just flush it. Also maybe you'd enjoy riding in that little rowboat with the Ty-D-Bol man. > But an Airstream has the potential of being mouse proof, at > least it has a better potential of mouseproofing. I am convinced of the correctness of your science theories, o Mighty King of Mouseproofing. -- K. Maybe you should invent a better mousetrap. I'd buy one, provided it's big enough to crush an entire mad scientist. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: is anyone actually making real $100 bills by using MIKE JITTLOV'S SECRET FORMULA Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 03:19:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fan.mike-jittlov, "CA (was) in NJ" (cainnj@mailandnews.com) wrote: > > 1234335@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > I would like to know if there are people who are (or have been) > > making real $100 bills by using MIKE JITTLOV'S SECRET FORMULA and if > > YES,how much real $100 bills are they(or have been) making since now? > > By the way, does anyone know if Kibo has been vacationing near Mauritius > recently? I don't know if it counts as taking a vacation when you buy the whole island. -- K. Archimedes Plutonium sold it to me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Briton sets off across country on motorized toilet Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 06:41:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Oh great, an article that lives up to its Subject: line, in spite of the > fact that you REALLY don't want it to. > > > Briton sets off across country > > on motorized toilet > > If he's going cross-country I sure hope it's a four-wheel drive toilet. > Hey, is this the handbrake? [ FLUSH ] > > Just don't push the windshield-wiper fluid button. Only bidets have those. And then there are the little ones clowns ride, the unidets. > LineOne news dutifully informs me from: > > PLYMOUTH, England (AP) > > Hey, I just thought of a weird coincidence... the Puritans got onto a > boat that left from Plymouth, England, and they eventually arrived to > the U.S. in... Plymouth! Geez, what were the odds of THAT happening? And by an even more amazing coincidence, they landed at Plymouth Rock! Imagine, there must be HUNDREDS of rocks in the United States, and they had to land at the one that was named right! > > -- Hank Harp settled into the driver's seat > > Saturday morning, checked his headlight and handlebars and set off on a > > cross-country trip at top speed, a whopping 4 mph -- on his motorized > > toilet. > > Is it gas-powered? I don't know, but I'm sure glad there aren't any vehicles with toilets in them travelling around in the United States! Imagine a hideous dystopia where people travelling from city to city could actually go to the bathroom while crossing state lines! The horror! The horror! > > Harp and his traveling comode set off Saturday from Land's End, in > > southwesternmost England, on a 874-mile journey to John O' Groats at the > > northern tip of Scotland. > > Country band name: "The Traveling Commodes" > > Rights. Mine. "Commodes Of Transportation." Dibs timesed by infinity. > > The charity trek was the brainchild of Steve Gilks, who runs Cash for > > Trash, a charitable group that recycles household rubbish to raise money. > > Cash for Trash: we raise money into a big pile in the backyard, and then > mulch it. Wouldn't "Trash for Cash" be a more appropriate name? > > How do they raise money by recycling? "Look, I have a three-foot pile > of moldy old newspapers. Give me a shilling or I'll throw it on your lawn." Hey, it gives Cub Scouts something to do involving riding around on top of station wagons because the safe part of the car is completely full of five hundred pounds of old newspapers (approximate cash value: five cents per ton.) I did that a few times when I was a kid. So I figure someone still owes me a penny for all those papers I rode around on top of for charity. > > Harp's potty, complete with three wheels and a 24-volt motor, is expected > > to reach its destination Sept. 20. > > Harp's journey will take a lot longer than originally planned, because > instead of traveling in a straight line, he has to drive his potty in a > counter-clockwise ever-increasing spiral due to the Coriolis Effect. I think "Harp's potty" also has great band-name potential, much as "Potty's Album" did when I first mentioned it around 1993. > > A wheeled rubbish bin is trailing along behind the toilet, and he plans > > to collect trash along the way. Gilks plans to present equipment to > > hospices and physicians along the route to help patients with breathing > > problems. "HEY, I'VE BEEN SITTING ON A TOILET FOR SIX HOURS, NOW INHALE FROM THIS TUBE." Sorry, it doesn't work for me either. I love it when people perform pointless activities to appear as if they're _really_working_hard_ for charity. "LOOK, KIDS! THAT MAN IS WEARING A GORILLA SUIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE CANCER!" > > Ten years ago, Gilks made a cross-country trek of his own -- in a > > motorized shopping cart. > > So let me get this straight: he's done the trek previously on strange > items of transportation... of his own accord, not due to any charity > event. "LOOK, KIDS! THAT MAN IS DRIVING A TOILET EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER!" > I NEED PHOTOS OF NUDE WOMEN IN HIGH HEELS FLOORING THE ACCELERATOR IN > SLOW MOTION ONTO A MOUSE = "perverted psychopath" > > I NEED PHOTOS OF NUDE WOMEN IN HIGH HEELS FLOORING THE ACCELERATOR IN > SLOW MOTION ONTO A MOUSE... FOR CHARITY = "news-worthy altruist" I'm just upset because I sent Dick Clark Productions $20 for a tape of The Very Super-Best Of Mouse-Crushing B*L*O*O*P*E*R*S and my tape of wacky wacky bloopers still hasn't arrived, just a really flat mouse in an envelope. I wonder what Accelerator Boy's been up to lately? I'm still scanning all the perverted newsgroups for interesting fetishes to co-op, but I haven't seen him requesting women to take pictures of their feet pressing accelerator pedals while wearing flat shoes lately. Or seen that guy who could only become aroused by the smell of burning penny loafers. The best one I've seen lately -- slightly edited for this family newsgroup: -> I'm wondering if there are any men or women out there who might have -> the same interests as me or could offer me some advise. I enjoy taking -> a metal nutcracker (preferably chilled in the fridge) and squeezing it -> together around my [koo-koo] lips which snugly encases my [koo-koo], -> and [koo-koo]. I then tied the other end of the nutcracker together -> with a rubber band. It fits nicely underneath my panties and I have -> enjoyed making shorts trips to the grocery with my [koo-koo] sort of -> clipped together in this manner. I probably didn't really need to censor "outer labia" but I like saying "[koo-koo]". Note that people with these really weird fetishes are often more interested in reassuring themselves that there is at least one other person with exactly the same fetish than in actually enjoying their fetish. Of course, if someone else _does_ turn up with the same fetish, then they both have to develop more specialized, kinkier fetishes in order to outdo the other. OH NO THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE WHO LIKES FEET ON GAS PEDALS! I BETTER LIMIT MYSELF TO FLAT SHOES FROM NOW ON! NOBODY ELSE WHO LIKES GAS PEDALS WILL LIKE FLAT SHOES! Maybe someone should start a philanthropic organization that links these extreme fetishists up with incurable diseases so that they can floor the accelerators of their toilets while wearing burning loafers until the cows come home, because let's face it, even if they rode their toilets for a million years, the toilet probably wouldn't cure cancer, so they could only lose their fetish-related jobs if some guy cured cancer in his science laboratory -- what a JERK! > -dp. > President, > Frotteurs Against Cancer. > > NO, NOT *AGAINST* CANCER, > "AGAINST" CANCER! You're SICK. And because you're so sick, I'm going to drive a toilet! -- K. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oh, the possibilities!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 06:49:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > [re some generic news story that didn't say anything] > > > > Okay, but this bit here is what caught my attention: > > > > > To many scientists, the possibility of being surprised is extremely > > > exciting. > > PROF. ROSENKRANTZ: Boo! > > DR. GUILDENSTERN: Tee-hee! > > EXEUNT. That was the worst episode of "Scooby-Doo" ever! I mean, I can't think of any other cartoons that went downhill so badly except "ReBoot". (In between the season where they kept yammering about how violence is bad, and the season where Enzo became a kill-crazed jerk who kept shooting everything in sight, there was that season where they kepty yammering about how violence is bad WHILE shooting everything in sight. No matter whether you liked either of the two endpoints of that overlap, you gotta agree, preachiness and hypocrisy suck all the wackiness out of the room.) -- K. Okay, the cartoon version of "Murphy Brown" went downhill even faster. But those are the only examples. Wait, I forgot "Beavis & Butthead". They were actually funny before they were on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Party-Like Event reminder (Sept. 11, '99) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 06:59:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is a reminder that the Event is in Boston on September 11th (Saturday) evening, and additional group wacky activities (museum visits or restaurant gatherings, etc.) are probably also going to happen around the weekend because some people will probably be in town longer than others. I still haven't had a chance to write up all the details, but because someone asked about hotels, here's a repost from last year: (Oh, and don't forget to enter the Conetest, whether you're coming to the party or not, at http://www.kibo.com/photos .) /////////// OLD NEWS ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Hotels in Boston (a.r.k party-like event information-like post) Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 07:32:08 GMT Because three people have asked... HOTELS IN BOSTON COMMA WEB SITES FOR COMMA QUANTITY FIVE END OF DESCRIPTION OF CONTENTS END OF DESCRIPTION OF CONTENTS TEAR OFF HERE TEAR OFF HERE 1.) Massport I thought the airport's Web page had a hotel list, but it just has stupid driving maps and stuff. Waah... Anyway, it has a good set of links to places to visit in case you decide you want to go to Boston but not my stupid party-like gathering. http://www.massport.com/tourism/getround.html 2.) Boston Online Adam Gaffin's great, not-overly-commercialized-like-a-certain-site-below Boston Online has links to hotels and much, much, much, MUCH more: http://www.boston-online.com/bos.html Disclaimer: Boston Online is hosted by Archimedes Plutonium's least-favorite Internet service, so it MUST be cool! 3.) Boston Dot Com Boston.com is run by The Boston Globe, and has a "Hotels" section: http://www.boston.com/ ...but the Globe Corner Bookstore (right next to the site of the Boston Massacre) has become the Boston.Com Store, where you can go to buy, in person, things that advertise a Web site, so I suspect that going to boston.com (on the Web or in person) may decrease your IQ a few points. 4.) Triple-A http://www.aaasne.com/autolodg.html Freakin-A, they're no help at all! 5.) Fodor's How much do you trust travel guidebooks where, if you put your thumb on the right part of the cover, it says "ODOR'S"? http://www.fodors.com/ptpshort.cgi?Boston They have hotel, restaurant, museum, and assorted other listings. I'll paste some of the "Under $110" ones in below. Note that I have not been in any of these hotels. Two cheapies near The World, in case for some reason you want to stay really, really, really close to where I work, are: > Beacon Inns > 1087 and 1750 Beacon St. > Brookline, Massachusetts 02146 > Phone: 617/566-0088 or 888/575-0088 > Fax: 617/264-7948 > > Under $110 > > A B&B budget option, these two separate properties--both located in the > suburb of Brookline--are owned by the same family. They are handy to > several nearby colleges and therefore popular with students and their > parents. 1087 Beacon Street (10 minutes from central Boston by > streetcar, which stops outside the door) is a four-story Victorian town > house with period wallpaper, plenty of carved wood detailing, and large, > clean rooms. 1750 Beacon is slightly shabbier (and 15 minutes from > town), but rooms are still large and have plenty of character albeit the > brick fireplaces are nonworking. Rates start at a very reasonable level, > with (limited) free parking, so the Beacon Inns are well worth seeking > out. AE, MC, V. 25 rooms (12 share baths). Continental breakfast inc > luded, parking. > Best Western Terrace Motor Lodge > 1650 Commonwealth Ave. > Boston, Massachusetts 02135 > Phone: 617/566-6260 or 800/242-8377 > Fax: 617/731-3543 > > Under $110 > > Located out beyond Boston University, almost in Brookline, this motel > looks somewhat incongruous sitting on a city street. Yet it's > economical; all rooms have color TV and air-conditioning, and some have > kitchenettes; a free Continental breakfast is offered; and downtown is > just a trolley ride away. Children under 18 stay free in their parents' > room. AE, D, DC, MC, V. 72 rooms. Free parking. Other cheapies: > Greater Boston YMCA > 316 Huntington Ave. > Boston, Massachusetts 02115 > Phone: 617/536-7800 > Fax: 617/536-3240 > > Under $110 > > Near the Museum of Fine Arts and Symphony Hall, this YMCA is a coed > facility with single ($37) and double rooms ($55). A major refurbishment > program begun in late 1995 is working to upgrade the gloomy rooms, and > guests benefit from a free breakfast, in-room TV, and excellent fitness > facilities. No pets. MC, V. 180 rooms, most with shared baths. Cafeteria > (free breakfast), pool, sauna, exercise room, sports facilities, track, > laundry. > Susse Chalet Inn > 211 Concord Turnpike > Cambridge, Massachusetts 02140 > Phone: 617/661-7800 or 800/524-2538 > Fax: 617/868-8153 > > Under $110 > > This is a typical Susse Chalet operation: clean, economical, and spare. > It is isolated from most shopping and attractions, being a 10-minute > drive from Harvard Square, but it is within walking distance of the Red > Line terminus, offering T access to Boston and Cambridge sights. All > rooms have color TV and air-conditioning. There are no on-site fitness > facilities, but the hotel offers free use of a major health club 3/4 > mile away. AE, D, DC, MC, V. 78 rooms. Free Continental breakfast, free > parking. > Best Western Terrace Motor Lodge > 1650 Commonwealth Ave. > Boston, Massachusetts 02135 > Phone: 617/566-6260 or 800/242-8377 > Fax: 617/731-3543 > > Under $110 > > Located out beyond Boston University, almost in Brookline, this motel > looks somewhat incongruous sitting on a city street. Yet it's > economical; all rooms have color TV and air-conditioning, and some have > kitchenettes; a free Continental breakfast is offered; and downtown is > just a trolley ride away. Children under 18 stay free in their parents' > room. AE, D, DC, MC, V. 72 rooms. Free parking. > South Bay Hotel > 5 Howard Johnson's Plaza > Boston, Massachusetts 02125 > Phone: 617/288-3030 > Fax: 617/265-6543 > > Under $110 > > Standard-quality motel rooms with air-conditioning are offered in this > lodging, just off the Southeast Expressway I-93, 4 miles south of Logan > Airport, just off the Southeast Expressway (I-93). Children under 18 > stay free in their parents' room. AE, D, DC, MC, V. 99 rooms. Coffee > shop, free parking. END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT END OF CONTENT PLEASE ADVISE WHERE TO GET MORE CONTENT -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My least favorite TV commercial of the week. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 07:22:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor It's the one where the little boy can be a secret agent and scuba diver because of the convenience of the new perforated Pop Tarts that come in a resealable envelope and can be broken into thirds because A WHOLE POP TART IS WAY TOO MUCH FOOD!!! Actual size picture of a third of a Pop Tart: +-----------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | | +-----------------------------------------------------+ Seen from the side: -=====================================================- ^ | FILLING MADE WITH REAL FRUIT (inserted into pastry via an offset-printing press) Anyway, not only do I not understand why the world needs perforated Pop Tarts so that you can save 2/3 for later, I also do not understand why a full-size Pop Tart would prevent the kid from wearing a wetsuit. Well, okay, I can kind of imagine why. But I don't want to go there. -- K. Is that a third of a Pop Tart in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TV? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Oh, to understand the subject lines of porn spams... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 08:05:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.latex, someone with a fake address spammed: > > Subject: latex gets moped up! Yes, folks, if your moped can't get it up, try letting it drive around in a latex bikini. -- K. Will someone please tell Accelerator Boy about the latex moped? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A.R.K Party-Like Event (9/11/99) detailed information Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 08:22:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here are the directions I wrote for last year's party. They haven't changed. Except for some of the text. I'll probably post them again once or twice before the party, and put up a Web page at an easy-to-remember address, with a map and photos and stuff. What you REALLY need to know: Date: September 11, 1999 (Saturday) Time: No specific time, show up somewhere after 4:00 and before 9:00; If the door is locked (as it is in the evenings on Saturdays) either wait a few minutes for someone to go in or out (and I should try to run downstairs every few minutes to check the door, as I have a key) or phone upstairs (617-739-0202.) We may go out to dinner at or slightly after 9:00, so if you show up after 9:00 you may be locked out with nobody to entertain you. Basically, I'm going there at 4:00 to start setting up stuff, so come at any time from 4:00 to 9:00 to avoid disappointment. You wouldn't want to hang out on the sidewalk with the crazy "GASP-GASP-STOMP-ssh-ssh-lurk" guy. I'll spread out some weird junk food to munch on, but there won't be much actual food at the party, I figure we'll go down the street to a restaurant after I force people to play party games until they hate me. As to what some of us might do on Friday evening, Saturday lunch, or Sunday, that's up in the air. If you're going to be around before or after the party, please let me know via mail (party@kibo.com). --> the party@kibo.com E-mail address may expedite receipt of your --> message by about four seconds compared to kibo@world.std.com. --> They both go to the same place, but if you mail to party@kibo.com --> I will be less likely to forget to read it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here are the specific directions: SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS FOR ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM: 1.) Go to Boston on your bike. Leave Dartmouth about five minutes before the party begins so as not to be late. 2.) Park your bike by tossing it into one of those big blue metal bins labelled "BFI" (Bikes Fit Inside) behind the Boston Public Library. 3.) Take the Orange Line to Forest Hills, then walk a short distance to the Arborway Green Line station and wait for an "A" train. 4.) Go to the end of the line at Lechmere, and walk to the Lechmere store. Ask a helpful, intelligent Lechmere clerk for directions. 5.) Follow the clerk's directions to the interesection of Walk and Don't Walk. 6.) Turn east and walk in a straight line for fifty thousand miles. FOR SANE PEOPLE, BY PUBLIC TRANSIT: 1.) Find Boston. 2.) Find the subway/streetcar system. 3.) Find the Green Line. If coming from anywhere else, go to Park Street and look for the Westbound trains. 4.) Get on board a "C" Green Line train. Note: Not a "B". Not a "D". Not a crossed-out "E". Not a "Lechmere". Not a "Braintree". And especially not an "A". 5.) Ride the "C" (Cleveland Circle) train to Coolidge Corner. Just remember the five C's and you can't go wrong, unless you go to Cleveland Circle. Go to Coolidge Corner. FOR SANE PEOPLE, BY CAR: 1.) Drive to the Boston area. 2.) Park at the big (T) garage at Alewife (in the north) or Quincy (in the south) or something, ride the Red Line to Park Street, then go to step 3 above. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE INTO BOSTON. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PARK IN BOSTON. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PARKING YOUR CAR IN HARVARD YARD WITH TASHA YAR AND THE EYE OF ARGON AND A YAR'S REVENGE CARTRIDGE, HAR DE HAR HAR. If you do attempt to drive, ask for directions to Coolidge Corner, then drive around about a week until you find a parking spot somewhere in Massachusetts. MAP OF COOLIDGE CORNER: | +------+ | | ST&D | | <-[ C TRAINS ] +-=----O | <-[ STOP HERE ] ----------------+--------------------------- BEACON STREET skyscrapers-> | +------+ | |TRADER| HARVARD| +-JOE'S+ ST.| | Software Tool & Die (operators of The World) are located in the S. S. Pierce Building, a big white Euro-style thing with a clock tower ("O"). The entrance is half a block down Beacon Street where the "=" is, and can be recognized as a big brass-and-glass door which weighs about five thousand million pounds. (Dainty women should wait for manly men to arrive to open the door for them.) Inside, ignore the elevator and walk up the flight of stairs behind it. At the top of the U-shaped staircase, turn left and go straight until you bump into a glass door. Bandage your nose and go inside. Turn right at the tank with the deadly tropical fish and then turn left and you will be in a big room filled with Kibologists, or at least filled with Kibo and his massive ego. Stop. Present Kibo with a small gift or be subjected to The Virtual Spanking Machine. If for some reason you get lost, or you get locked out, the office phone is 739-0202. (Ask for Kibo.) Note that 739-0202 rings the hassled tech support department, who will be too busy to spend much time at the super-awesome Party-Like Event, so please be kind and don't ask them to fix your computer's broken 24x cup holder. For those who navigate by finding 1 Beacon Street and counting buildings for several miles, ST&D is 1330 Beacon Street. Also note that Harvard Street is not near Harvard University, Harvard Yard, Harvard Square, the Harvard Bridge, or "JOHN HARVARD'S BREW HOUfE". Stay tuned to a.r.k for important updates in case plans change or anything. Also please drop me an E-mail (party@kibo.com) if you're planning to come so I can guess how many body bags^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hfunny party hats to order. All alt.religion.kibology readers are welcome to attend, especially if they have nothing else to do and have a high tolerance for tedium. Feel free to bring a friend or two, but please don't repost this invitation on random newsgroups/mailing lists. -- K. P.S. Remember: gifts FOR Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Yet another TV commercial that makes me feel lobotomized. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 08:35:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The one where the announcer tells us "IT'S A VIRTUAL PET-TOPIA!" showing a cat, in slow motion, rubbing against all these mannequin legs standing on a lawn. IF CATS RULED THE WORLD, THE TOP HALF OF EVERY HUMAN WOULD BE CUT OFF!!! That's more of an EW! topia. Apparently the point of the commercial is that if your cat goes to www.petopia.com they can buy mannequin legs to rub against, or something. The best part is that the announcer sounds like he's yelling "IT'S A VIRTUAL PANT-TOPIA!" while the cat is wandering amongst the Self-Supporting Vertical Pants. -- K. In my euphonius utopia, people are forced to enjoy euphoria, and it's illegal to engage in euphobia. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Roger's exploding computer Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 01:01:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Last night I had a dream? That I was hanging out down in Austria? > With Roger Douglas? And he was showing me his computer? And it kept > catching on fire! > So he would put one fire out, you know? And then we'd start talking > and I'd tap him on the shoulder and point to the ball of flame and > smoke that was pouring out of the computer? And then he'd put that > one out, and then another one would start? Yeah, this happened about > four times! > It was weird. > And that, apparently, was my only purpose for being there. > > So my question is: Did Roger have a dream where he was putting out > fires all over his house last night? And was I there? And did I do > anything actually productive or interesting? I just want to know why Roger is so boring that while showing you his computer you fell asleep and had a silly dream. Last night I had a very odd dream. I think I had committed murder or other heinous crime against society, and then the police sent the cast of "Cats" after me, or something. I'm not sure. It was like if Manley Hubbell wrote a Japanese cartoon. I swear I *never* have these sorts of really weird dreams. Most of mine just involve celebrities beating each other up while I watch. -- K. I wish Bob Hope could beat HIMSELF up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Things I plan to do in Boston Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 01:09:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Want anything? [from England] > > > > I'm so glad you asked! > > > > Please bring me: > > 1. Sixty boxes of Aero bars, because, man ... that's some good air. > > I bought you the sixty boxes of Aero bars, which for those of you who > are unfamiliar with this candy treat, are chocolate and caramel wrapped > around a big bubble of nothing. But I figured you'd appreciate the air > more than anything else, so I extracted it, put it all in a balloon and > then packaged it in bubble wrap and FedExed it to you on a FedExeppelin. We get Aero bars in the supermarkets here now in the special section of Fancy Imported Foreign Foods Which We Imported From Britain, most of which seem to be various kinds of Nestle candy bars made from brown wax, and a whole lot of different kinds of canned beans in orange slime. So, in case I ever decide I don't like American-made canned squishy beans in orange slime, I could start buying the same beans with British labels. The supermarket chains do not seem to have caught on that NOBODY NEEDS THESE BEANS! Except maybe Terry Gilliam. But he doesn't count because he's not even actually British. > [snip Leah's list of stuff I'm never going to buy her] > > > 7. A beefeater's uniform (for Kibo) > > I've bought Kibo the beefjerkyeater uniform. It has a food dehydrator > in the fuzzy helmet, and a humidor in the armpits. For beef cigars. Waah! If I wore that, I'd look like a humidork! -- K. I melted an Aero bar and got a puddle of lox. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.teletubbies From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Tweenies' follows 'Teletubbies' Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 01:54:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the Christian Science Monitor, Alexander MacLeod wrote: > > Subject: 'Tweenies' follows 'Teletubbies' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! > As just one part of a bid to boost its revenues by selling programs > around the world, the BBC has commissioned 260 episodes of a new > children's TV series, ``Tweenies.'' 260? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > The program follows the success of ``Teletubbies,'' which was begun > two years ago and has made more than $80 million so far. Golly. Given that probably about 200 million kids watch it around the world every day, they've managed to extract about 40 cents per kid over a period of two years, or .05 cents per kid per day. There's got to be an easier way to get a twentieth of a cent out of a kid. Know those coupons for "7 cents off frozen french fries" in the Sunday paper that say in tiny print, "CASH VALUE 1/20 CENT"? Well, every time you fail to buy french fries with one of those coupons, somewhere a Teletubby dies. > ``Teletubbies'' airs in 62 countries including the United States. > Teletubbies, soft and cuddly creatures with TV screens in their > tummies, are aimed at two- to three-year-olds. Tweenies, targeted at > three- to five-year-olds, are brightly colored ``children'' with > actors in them who operate animatronic heads. I wanted to get in touch with my inner child, but instead I got in touch with my inner child's inner actor. (Also, you call this acting? Does this mean that the guy inside Tinky Winky might be up for an Oscar? Do you think he can beat Martin Landau?) > Fizz and Bella, the female characters, love nice clothes and > dancing; the boys, Jake and Milo, prefer to dismantle toys. In > Britain, 20-minute ``Tweenies'' episodes already have started playing > in the morning immediately after ``Teletubbies.'' And guess what kind of toys they dismantle. JAKE: Die, die, die, Tinky Winky! MILO: Ha ha, you hit Tinky Winky with your mallet, you hit him in the BUTT! JAKE: Kill Tinky Winky! Kill Tinky Winky! MILO: Inna butt! Inna butt! > ``The 'Tweenies' are only one step away from reality, DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DUM, DEE DEE DEE DOODLE-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOO... Hey, what's that wacky tuba-and-flute music? Why, it's the Dancing Bears Of Bullshit carrying an enormous flashing marquee! \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()\ \()**************************************************************()/ /()** "The 'Tweenies' are only one step away from reality," **()\ \()** -- some British hack defending his ripoff **()/ /()**************************************************************()\ \()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()/ /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ > and hopefully children will relate to everything they do,'' says > Ian Lauchlan, executive producer of the series. And also producer of the Dancing Bears Of Bullshit. At least this time. -- K. Mr. Rogers once did an episode where he made his own Tweenies from tea and weenies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Florida Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 01:56:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Passed a car with a Florida liscence plate. I now know why Florida has > so much crime: the state is shaped like a gun. > > Oaklahoma has so many stabbings because it looks like a meat cleaver. > > Colarado has a lot of box related murders because it's shaped like a box. Waah! I live in Massachusetts, which is shaped like a STUPID SISSY ELF SHOE! Now I gotta make toys for our evil overlord, Santa Kennedy! -- K. Once I saw a cloud that looked like Wyoming. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange Story Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 04:12:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.mcdonalds.crew, "OSCO" (PaganDruid@webtv.net) wrote: > > I work in a McDonalds in Dallas, and about 3 weeks ago some lady got the > pepper shaker stuck in her ass (true story). She went to the bathroom > and stuck it in her ass, must have pushed to far and lost it, guess it > was supposed to be some sexual thing. She then came out used the pay > phone and called 911, because she said she couldn't sit down to drive > herself to the hospital. > > can you imagine??? I couldn't, until now. My brain is forever ruined! -- K. Pepper up your butt is nothing to sneeze at. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barbie doll parts useful for prosthetic fingers - researcher Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 05:19:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor You know it's important because l'AFP posted it to clari.tw.health.misc, clari.living.bizarre, clari.tw.top, clari.biz.front_page, clari.tw, clari.tw.misc, clari.tw.health, AND clari.living: > > Subject: Barbie doll parts useful for prosthetic fingers - researcher Of course, from that point on, you can only pick up things that are 1/6 normal size, and you have to drive a little pink car with no brakes. > CHARLOTTE, North Carolina, Aug 28 (AFP) - Barbie, the leggy > plastic companion of millions of girls worldwide, ...and for over 30 years! Barbie is their LONGTIME COMPANION! Oh no! I just outed Barbie! I sure hope nobody caught on to Barbie before. Like how nobody noticed Carl Sagan was running The National Organization for Reform of Marijuana Laws. Now that we know the truth about Barbie, it's going to wreck her television career -- she'll only be allowed to be on lesbian-oriented shows, like "Ellen" and "The Howard Stern Show". > has found a new purpose -- donating her body to science. And her thousands of tiny pink shoes were donated to the people of the Phillipines. > It turns out that the plastic doll knee joints in Barbie's long, > shapely legs make good knuckles in prosthetic fingers for people who > have lost part of a hand, says Jane Bahor, a university researcher here. Of course, afterwards it takes these people about three hours to pull on a glove. (Have you ever TRIED getting Barbie's harem pants past her ankles?) [CUE JOHN CLEESE] > Bahor, who makes lifelike body parts for amputees at Duke > University Medical Center in Durham, has used knees from old Barbie > dolls to make new fingers for about a dozen patients. I hate to think what he's done with the heads. > "She's made her cultural contribution, now she can make a > medical contribution," Bahor said. Tee-hee! Surgery is hard! > Bahor and patient, Jennifer Jordan, then a North Carolina State > University engineering student, came up with the idea three years > ago while trying to make Jordan's prosthetic finger more realistic > and useful. Just out of curiosity, wouldn't just about anything be at least as realistic as Barbie's pipe-cleanerish leg? I mean, her leg is A SINGLE PIECE OF VINYL WITH A WIRE INSIDE. It doesn't have an actual joint. It's A SHAVED PIPE CLEANER. When I was a kid, I had a Gumby doll that was made of rubber with a wire running down each arm and leg, and he was a lot more fun than Barbie because not only could his arms bend, but he never needed clothes put on or taken off him. So I say that Gumby is the true medical innovator, especially as when you chop up Gumby, you can make several fingers out of his arms and legs and spine, whereas Barbie is only good for two fingers. > They thought about the popular Mattel doll's easy-to-bend knees, > and Jordan brought in some of her old dolls. Bahor, an > anaplastologist, took them apart to find a "simple little ratchet > joint" that fits inside a flexible foam digit. Ratchet? Foam? Wait a minute. Every Barbie doll I've ever seen has just been soft vinyl with a wire inside. Will someone who likes dolls please tell me what's the deal here? PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY BARBIE EXPERIENCE IS OBSOLETE! > "It's working out well for several patients," said Bahor, whose > colleagues around the country are also testing the idea. "A lot of > us have played around with the Barbie joint." Except for the men in the lab, who requested a transfer to that other lab which is answering the question, "Could Darth Vader beat up The Transformers?" > Mattel was also impressed by the idea, and sent Bahor a bag full > of free Barbie parts. MMM! BARBIE BY-PRODUCTS! > "Everybody here is really excited that Barbie not only brings > joy to little girls but also can help adults who have had > accidents," said Mattel spokeswoman Lisa McKendall. > Wearers bend the fingers the same way they would bend Barbie's leg. You see, you just grab your fingers between your fingers and bend them -- hey, wait a minute... > They can use their other hand to bend the joint. Because of Barbie, nobody in an accident will ever again lose their OTHER hand! > Just like Barbie's legs, the fingers stay bent until the owner straightens > them again. And then they're never quite straight ever again. That's party because of the wire inside, and partly because, like I said before, BARBIE ISN'T STRAIGHT!!! > The pliable prosthetic fingers make it easier for an amputee to > hold a pen, pick up a cup, grip the steering wheel or do other daily > tasks, Bahor said. But they make it harder to play with your Barbie doll, because she doesn't have legs any more. [CUE CARTOON BY SAM GROSS WHICH IS REPRINTED TWICE IN EVERY ISSUE OF "NATIONAL LAMPOON" FOR TWENTY YEARS.] > For years feminist critics have argued that Barbie's unrealistic > proportions seared an unattainable body image into the minds of girls. "When I grow up, I want to have an enormous two-inch bust like Barbie!" > "After all these years of being maligned," Bahor said, "she's > finally come up with a social conscience." Tee-hee! Consciencing is hard! -- K. That reminds me, I still need to borrow a tripod to film something melting. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Fun supermarket factoid. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 05:44:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Because all the boxes of Ritz crackers say "RITZ" in really tall skinny letters, if you cover up just the very tops of the letters the crackers tell you to "KIIL". -- K. And Wilson Bryan Key thinks they say "SEX". What a bozo! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My Marky Mark dream Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 06:59:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I had a dream starring that Mark Whalberg guy. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU DREAMED ABOUT A GUY WHO IS ONLY FAMOUS FOR BEING THE BROTHER OF ONE OF THE ORIGINAL "NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK"! THE BROTHER OF A GUY WHO DOESN'T PLAY HIS OWN INSTRUMENT OR SING! Your brain is now unclean. You must cleanse your brain with a scouring pad and a can of Bab-O. BAB-O. NOT A DREAM IN A CARLOAD. > You see, in my dream universe, there was this legendary thief. Mark Whalberg > was starring in a movie about this theif. In the dream/movie he was > practicing his craft in a hotel/mall. Suddenly, he's approached by this > unshaven guy who gives him a 'You go' kind of look. Mark is puzzled. > The unshaven guy explains that Mark is now famous since there's a movie > about him. And then the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls and Menudo come in and start singing a medley of all of their greatest hits while Tinky Winky dances and then Sigmund Freud drives a tiny Ronald McDonald-style train into this tunnel shaped like Pierce Brosnan while smoking a cigar covered with eyes and then you fail a geometry test and when you wake up, YOU'RE IN A STRAIGHTJACKET IN AN ASYLUM BECAUSE IT WASN'T A DREAM, IT REALLY HAPPENED!!! > Just thinking about the dream makes my head hurt. It wasn't a dream, it really happened... OR DID IT??? -- K. AND THEN YOU FIND TUBBY CUSTARD ON YOUR PILLOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Duct tape. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 07:03:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I don't care what anyone says. 3M brand duct tape smells _really_ good. And as a bona fide Real Man, let me tell you, given enough duct tape, you can fix anything. Observe: REAL MAN --> Says you can fix anything with duct tape. WANNA-BE MAN --> Buys any of the 500,000 other products sold at Home Depot. WANNA-BE HIPPIE --> Eats vegetables. REAL HIPPIE --> Says you can make anything out of hemp. I appreciate that Home Depot is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, because you never know when you might need more duct tape at 3 A.M. -- K. Well, the cat wouldn't stop meowing!